GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- THE BIG CITY 19. 04/21/91 "THE BIG CITY" Writer: Marjorie Gross / Director: Peter Baldwin Chris decides to finally visit the big city, but upon arriving somebody slips him a mickey and his wallet is missing. When a newspaper reporter hears the story, her article dubs Chris "Walletboy" and he becomes the darling of the city. Everything crumbles when it is discovered that he actually just left the wallet at home. May Evans ......... Anastasia Barzee Officer O'Meara ... Gerry Gibson J.D. Windell ...... John T. Olson Room Service Guy .. Robin Michael Cahall Lady of the Night . D.F. Horner Mayor ............. Art Kassul Shell Guy ......... Eric Kohner Fedora Guy ........ Adam Stone (KITCHEN) CHRIS-- Oh. What? Oh, oh. Hello Queen Elizabeth. Hey, you look very regal today. Hey, why did you just throw that brick at that construction worker? After all you gotta expect some cat calls when you shake it down the street like that. FRED -- Even in his sleep he embarasses us. GLADYS -- Shh. Fred, you know it's dangerous to wake him when he's sleepwalking. FRED -- I love talking that chance. (drops a plate) CHRIS -- Oh oh. Hi Ma. Hi Dad. FRED -- Oh damn. It wasn't as good as last time when we had to pry him down off the chandelier. CHRIS -- Well I uh. I have no idea how I got here or why but ah, who cares. (laughs) I guess I should blurt out the reason I'm as giddy as a squirrel in a convenience store. (laughs) I've finally saved up enough money for my big trip to the big city. FRED -- What? Are you crazy, boy? The big city will chew you up and spit you out like a wad of horsemeat. GLADYS -- Yes, it's horrible there. All the people just bustle right past you and the ladies are painted up like dimestore hussies. FRED -- Ah, you won't be there more than five minutes before you'll get suckered into a game of chance and somebody'll slip you a mickey. CHRIS -- Oh right Dad, "Everything's bad in the city but everything's perfect here in the suburbs." Right? Oh yeah, nothing ever goes wrong here, we never grow old and die in the suburbs. Nobody ever burns their tongue on a bowl of pea soup and everbody has pizza ovens. It's aways just a Pleasant Valley Sunday here in status symbol land. FRED -- Gladys can we at least use a stun-gun on him? CHRIS -- Look, Ma, Dad, you've, you've kept me hidden away for too long--under your skirt and in your pants. It's time for me to go off and sample life to it's fullest, to, to eat of the fruited loins of our forefathers. Well, I better get going. I have a ticket on the five o one sonic bullet train so. Jeeze, the big city, I can't wait. Huh. The Effel Tower, the, the Acropolis, the Leaning Tower, the Aztec Ruins. FRED -- Chris, none of those things are there. CHRIS -- I never thought I'd see the day. Huh. You're blatantly lyingto me so that I'll stay here. Jeeze, what do you take me for, a moron? Boy. How do you get this section of the wall to open? FRED -- Turn the knob. CHRIS -- Oh, oh (laughs) what will they think of next? THE BIG CITY GATES CHRIS -- Wow. Oh boy. It's even more modern and high-tech than I imagined. Wow. Oh. Ooooh. Wow. PASSERBY -- Watch it CHRIS -- Hey, I didn't hear an excuse me LADY OF THE NIGHT -- Big fella you looking for a good time? CHRIS -- No I just want to stand here all day and get jossled until by shoulder separates. LADY OF THE NIGHT -- Oooh a toughguy huh? I think I can handle that. CHRIS -- Wait a second, oh my gosh, you're one of those filthy lice-ridden prostitutes aren't you. Jeeze, you know what? I gotta get a picture of you for my mom. Do you mind? (laughs) Smile. Great. (laughs) Thanks a lot. Oh now I have to wash up, do you have a wet-knap on you preferably one that's unscented cause I have allergies and it's really..... SHELL GUY -- Hey, four eyes. CHRIS -- Yes. SHELL GUY -- Watch the dog. Keep your eye on the dog. Dog's in the Doghouse. Which house is the dog in? CHRIS -- I'm, I'm sorry have, have you lost your dog? Was it's name Poofie? SHELL GUY -- Put the twenty dollars down. The pea in the shells. CHRIS -- Well, okay, twenty dollars sounds like a lot of money for three shells and a pea but then again I am ada___(?) So,rhere ya go. SHELL GUY Well. Done for the day. CHRIS -- Hmm. ugh. Jeeze I'm full. Better save this for later. FEDORA GUY -- Hey stick-legs with a fat gut. CHRIS -- Yes, that's me. FEDORA GUY -- I saw you stuffin' your mug. How about a nice cold tall one to wash it down. CHRIS -- Oh, sure, great. Thank you very much. (laughs) Uh. Wait a second, this wouldn't by any chance be a mickey would it? FEDORA GUY -- Yeah right, I'd just come up and give you a mickey on the street. Look, if you don't want it there's a swell guy over there who looks thirsty. CHRIS -- No no no. I'll take it. I'll take it. Sure sure thanks. Gee what a friendly town. Mmm Mmm Mmm That's delicious. It kinda tastes like rootbeer, except more mediciny. Thank you very much. (Chris passes out) LATER Officer O'Meara --C'mon. Hey son. Come on get up outta there, now. Come on. Go get yourself a cup of coffee and a bowl of stew down at St. Mary's. Come on. CHRIS -- Don't sit on me. You're fat. You'll squash me. OFFICER -- What is this, now? Accute paranoia? I think somebody slipped you a mickey. CHRIS -- No, that's impossible. I specifically asked about that. OFFICER -- Now listen son, I've been walking this beat for the last twenty-five years. I know a mickey victim when I see one, and you, sonny boy, have been had, and my the best in the business--Barney "the mickey" Sullivan. Slips him a mickey, makes off with their wallets like he was pulling panties off a Groundhog, CHRIS -- Well no, my wallet just happens to be....happens not to be in there..or in. It's gone. My wallet's gone. Help, police! MAY EVANS -- Well, top on the morning to you Officer O'Meara. Anything going on here that'll put me on the map? OFFICER -- Well, the saints be praised, if it isn't May Evans the reporter from the Evening Star. CHRIS -- Okay, allright I have to keep my wits about me, that's what I have to do. Ah, Let me just retrace my steps, now. Now, I was standing here and the I passed out over here....or was it over here. Ohh oh what am I gonna do this? I can't do this. This is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. Ugh. I'm like a rat caught in a maze. MAY -- Say I smell a story. OFFICER -- Not at all, just another kid who lost his wallet. CHRIS -- Correction--a big fat wallet stuffed with all my mad money and my little thimble puppets named " Patina" and "Scapini." OFFICER -- Now listen son, a lost wallet might be big news out in the boonies , but here in the big city--that story's as common as a body on the trolley tracks. MAY -- And that's exactly what's wrong with this big lunk of town: apathy, cynicism, scepticism, Well, I'm gonna put a stop to that, me May Evans. OFFICER -- Look! It's Jimmy "Sticky Fingers" Sypes. I've been after him for three weeks. He's got my Lucky Charms. MAY -- So what's your name, Small Ears? CHRIS -- Peterson. Chris Peterson But I can't prove it because my wallets gone. But I think my ID picture looks something like this. MAY -- Boy, I'm gonna put you on the front page. I can see it now...."Small Town Boy's Wallet Stolen: City Hangs It's Head In Shame" CHRIS -- Wow! HEADLINE MONTAGE "Hicktown Boy Loses Wallet Visiting City" " 'What Is Happening To Our Town?' Says Mayor." "City Opens Arms To Walletboy" "Anonymous Millionaire Gives Walletboy Free Hotel Suite" "City Loves Walletboy" HOTEL SUITE ROOM SERVICE GUY -- Monsieur Walletboy? Here is your unbaked pizza with no toppings sauce or cheese. MAY -- Why did you order it like that? CHRIS -- Because I can. MAY -- This is incredible. I knew this story would be big, but never this big. Oh, the city hasn't been this excited since the Siamese Pinheads came to the Bonham Museum. KID -- Walletboy! Walletboy! Can I have your autograph. CHRIS -- Oh, sure kid. What's you name. KID -- Kyle. CHRIS -- Okay, To Kyle...K....um, why don't we just make it for "the kid" I'm sorry, I have problems with those foreign names. There ya go. MAY -- Walletboy. The mayor's outside. He wants to give you the key to the city. CHRIS -- Well, I'm not sure if I'm ready to exchange keys yet, I mean we've only been dating a week. (laughs) MAYOR -- Walletboy, as mayor of our fair city.... CHRIS -- Uh, excuse me actually it's called "the Big City" ...Jeeze...and he's the mayor? This town's in big trouble. MAYOR -- ...In recognition of your accomplishments of the last twenty-four hours, I would like to present you with the key to the city. CHRIS -- Oh, oh, that's, that's very nice um, I have to soak for about another five minutes, would you be a flower drum song and just run into the bedroom, put it on the nightstand for me? J. D. WINDELL -- Walletboy? J. D. Windell. (laughs) Listen ah, we'd like to sign you up to an exclusive merchandising deal--you know Walletboy dolls, watches, rat poison--the works, all printed with your catchphrase "I've lost my wallet." CHRIS -- Wow! Jeeze, everything is happening so fast to me. I'm sorry you're gonna have to give me a little time to think this over, I'm sorry. Okay, where do I sign? J. D. -- Right here. It's the usually ah, 98/2 split..same deal the Beatles got. CHRIS -- Oh yeah, and their rich aren't they? Boy. Wow, this is all so wonderful. I can't believe it. You know, my parents were completely wrong. I mean the big city isn't cruel and nasty. I want you all to know that I shall never change. I shall aways be the, the simple Walletboy that you've all grown to, to love and to worship. Who the hell sneezed?!! All right that's it! Everybody, get the hell out! Out! Out! Get the hell out. Jeeze, you're all disgusting infested sycophants. Get out.. you too. Out! Eeew! Got your infested spores all over me. Who knows where the hell you've been? MAY -- Look at all these invitations? We've got the Governer's Other Ball, the Embassador's Reception, the District Attorney's Sadie Hawkins Dance, Sanitation Commissioner's Catillion, the Department of Water and Power's.... CHRIS -- Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, I, I don't want to dissapoint the Sanitation Commission or anything but ah, they're just going to have to party without this bearded lady because I am putting my big rump right here on this Sealy Posturephonic and going into a Pay-Per-View Haze. MAY -- Oh sure. And while you sit up here letting your feet go soft another kid's out there who's lost his bike, so then he becomes Bike-Boy and you're back in Hicksville tossing fishwrapping for peanuts. CHRIS -- Jeeze, I never thought of it that way. I guess this being a loveable victim business is more cut throat that I thought. Well I'm not going to take any chances. (opens window) Boy everybody! I'm the most pathetic deserving rube in this whole big city, and I'm gonna prove it. DANCING ON THE TOWN MONTAGE RESTAURANT CHRIS -- Here's to you. (they toast) GANGSTER -- Hey Walletboy. Think you're such a bigshot? I got a little message for you from the underworld. (pulls a gun) CHRIS -- Ahh. (the gun drops a flag saying "We Love Walletboy.") Uh oh, "We love Walletboy" Ahh It was a joke. (all laugh) Oh my. (laugh) Oh, you had me going. (Chris hugs gangsters) TAXI CAB CHRIS -- Jeeze, I can't believe we danced all through the night until the sun rose and poked it's yellow manliness through the clouds. MAY -- There's the Metropolitan State Building, it's fifty stories tall.... CHRIS -- (interrupting her) Yeah, yeah, You know I, I heard that if you drop a penny off the top floor there, it could bore a hole through a pedestrian's head and go all the way through him and come out his toe. I bet a quarter would probably kill 'em. MAY -- There are the Aztec Ruins. CHRIS -- See I knew it...Jeeze MAY -- You know you're kinda cute for a sensational headline-grabbin'-circulation-boostin' freak. CHRIS --Jeeze. I, I don't know whether to thank you or call you a cold heartless bitch. MAY -- Why don't we just split the difference? (They kiss) MAY -- Oh Chris I'm sorry. I mean you're swell and all but I don't know if it's you I love or the phenomena called Walletboy. CHRIS -- Who cares, let's just make out. MAY -- Oh Chris, don't you wanna know? CHRIS -- May, there are certain questions in life that should go unanswered like....like where does meat come from? and ah, how do fish breath?...and what's the square root of nine? MAY -- It's three. CHRIS -- You are not of this earth. MAY -- Oh Walletboy. (they kiss) STREET (Walletboy dolls are being sold. Crowd adores Chris) HOTEL ROOM CHRIS -- Oh my..ah (laughs) Oh. Dancing all night? Oh. Meeting luminaries right and left? The crowd chanting my name on every street corner? I feel like The Incredible Mr. Limpid. Hey May? Tell me the truth. It's, it's me you love, isn't it? It's not Walletboy. MAY -- Chris, I have to be honest. If you're looking for guarantees I have to say, at this point, I really have no idea. CHRIS -- You've just made me the happiest man in the whole world. (phone rings) I'll get it. Hello Walletboy. FRED -- Chris, it's Dad. CHRIS -- Just some more boobs pretending to be my parents. FRED -- Ah Look Mr. Rich Little, pretending to by my dad isn't going to get you Jack Spit okay. FRED -- Well being your dad hasn't exactly been an embarrassment of riches, either. CHRIS -- Dad it is you. Hi! FRED -- You left your wallet here, chowderhead. CHRIS -- Are you kidding? Oh jeeze. Boy is that a load off. (laughs) Okay thanks Dad, bye. (laughs) Hey May! (laughs) You want a laugh? (laughs) I didn't lose my wallet at all. (laughs) No, in fact I left it at home snug as a bug in a rug. (laughs) Can you believe that? (laughs) Boy, I can't wait to tell everybody. I can't wait to see the faces on this city. (opens window) Citizens of this big city..let me... MAY -- Have you gone screwy? ( May tackles him) CHRIS -- (various grunts and "ows") MAY -- If word of this gets on the street they'll tear you apart like a Thanksgiving Turkey. CHRIS -- Wull wait just a mangy-horse minute here. Are you talking about my crowd?--- The Walletboyniacs? MAY -- Chris, they loved you because you were a victim, not an idiot! CHRIS -- Wull gee ah, if they find out what's gonna happen to my free lifetime hotel suite? MAY -- Hello YMCA. CHRIS -- Well dammit do something! MAY -- Just keep your trap shut and nobody'll be the wiser. Oh, all I need is another scam like the Ringling Brother's Unicorn. CHRIS -- What was wrong with him? SWITCHBOARD MONTAGE CALLER -- Winnie? Boy have I got the "T" on Walletboy. It turns out he's not on the up and up. HEADLINES "Tomorrow Dedicated Walletboy Day!" "Big Tickertape Parade!" PARADE CHRIS -- Oh these poor stupid bastards. They still love me. If they only knew the truth, they'd hang me up by my own intestines. GLADYS -- Chris! Chris! FRED -- Gladys, instead of waving that big fat wallet around why don't we just put sandwichboards on that say "Rob us, we're old."? GLADYS -- Chris, we have your wallet. We brought it for you from home. Chris! ROOM SERVICE GUY -- Did you hear that? He didn't lose his wallet, he left it at home. J.D. Windell -- He's no hero, he's a dumbass! MAN -- He's taken us for chumps! CHRIS -- Wait a second. Wait a second those people aren't my parents.Wait, can't you see, there's no family resemblance at all. I'm fully clothed and their wearing bathrobes. CROWD -- GET HIM!!!! (etc.) (they throw bricks) CHRIS -- Wait, wait wait. Okay. Allright so maybe I didn't lose my wallet, does that make me a bad person? Is it a crime to have inspired an entire city to rally behind a young boy?!! I mean look at what's happened here? You were all once cold-hearted, cynical, ice-blooded bastards. And now look at you. I've transformed all of you into tender, god-fearing, puppy-loving marshmellows floating on top of a golden cup of hot nutritious cocoa. Now don't you all just feel the slightest bit silly? CROWD -- GET 'EM!!! (more bricks) HEADLINES "Walletboy A Fraud" "City Duped By Evil Moron" "City To Walletboy: 'Drop Dead'! " CHRIS -- Wait. I guess this whole town is against me, huh May? Except for you. I can see it in your eyes. MAY -- Do you see an angry mob headed this way? cause that's what I'm seeing. CHRIS -- What about us? MAY -- You know how I couldn't tell whether it was you I loved or the phenomena Walletboy? CHRIS -- Yeah (laughs) MAY -- We've asked the judges and we have a decision. Walletboy-- by a mile. (she runs) BIG CITY DOORs CHRIS -- What these morons don't realize is that I still have the key to the city. MAYOR -- We changed the lock, idiot! CHRIS -- Oh Jeeze. C'mon guys let me in huh? Please? C'mon. Okay fine, I'll just wait out here until you change your minds. Huho And I can wait, believe me. Ho ho, I've got all the time in the world. FLASH FORWARD (Chris's skeleton) HEADLINE "City Finally Fogives Walletboy" (Chris's skeleton gets tickertape parade) THE END