GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- NEPTUNE 2000 20. 04/28/91 "NEPTUNE 2000" Writer: Steve Pepoon / Director: David Mirkin The $19.99 submarine Chris ordered 20 years earlier finally arrives, but he has to persuade Fred to help him build it. They then become trapped underwater while taking the new sub for a test ride in the shower. Young Chris ....... Brandon Crane (CAPTION: 1971) Gladys -- ...Dear, are you going to the retirement seminar today? Fred -- Why should I? Gladys --To plan our future...We don't want to we don't want to end up like one of those pathetic old couples who sit around the kitchen in their bathrobes drinking coffee all day. Fred -- Gladys that'll never happen to us as long aswe keep playing the horses Chris -- Mom Dad can I give you a hint what I want for my birthday? Fred -- If you must. When is it? Chris -- Yesterday. Fred -- Ho ho ho...Better luck next year boy. Chris -- You're not going to pull that on me again this year. I want my own personal two-man submarine. It has a periscope, torpedo launcher, ship-to-shore radio, emergency dive outfit, and a functional ciggarette lighter....and it only costs ..$19.95. Fred -- Chris, don't be duped by a phoney ad. You can't buy a sub with all that for 19.95. You're talking about close to a billion dollars worth of equipment. Chris -- Oh right "Ads in comic books are always rip-offs out to sucker dumb little kids like me." Your so negitive dad. Fred --Yeah. Ironic isn't, especially when I've been blessed with so much. CHRIS -- I guess I'll just have to earn the money myself. I know, I'll get a paper route. (Cue dramatic music) Gladys -- Chris why would you want to get sucked into a dead-end job like that? Chris -- It's only till the sub's paid off. It's not like I'm gonna do it forever. (Song "I can't wait forever") Kitchen (caption 20 years later) Chris --Is it here yet? Fred -- Jeeze are you deaf? it's right in front of your face. Chris -- Oh oh joyous rapturous day. It came, it came. Oh my oh humm hmm. Oh I guess all my years hoping and, and growing into my weight are finally over. It's here I can't believe it, and just in time for my birthday Fred -- Which is...when? Chris -- You'd think the postal service would have improved after we sold it to the Japanese. Lousy Krauts. Gladys -- Chris it's says 4 to 600 weeks. Chris -- Oh oh jeez wow oh I guess it's a week early then. (Chris empties box ) Alley oop! Awwoh it's broken. Fred -- You idiot, you have to put it together. Chris -- Oh oh jeez well I'll just slap it together then. (laughs) Luckily it came with this handy instructional booklet. Ahh What does Baunk waunk kay. Ay baunk waunk waunk ay baunk waunk waunk baunkwaunka....mean...any ideas? Fred --(Shrugs) Chris -- Oh this is gonna be great. I get to build it an learn a whole new complex language at the same time. Fred -- Chris you can't just slap that together it takes real skill, even so it'll probably never work. Chris -- Well, would you help me build my submarine. I mean this project kinda reeks of father, son quality time potential. Fred -- There's only so many hours in the day I can't spend time with you and drink coffee. (Chris's room) Chris -- Oh great you're here! Teriffic! Great! You're just in time for the christening. (laughs) Hey Dad where's that bottle of Champagne I asked you to buy. Fred -- I drank it. Chris -- Okay well here it is. Time for the unveiling. Bu de bi bi de bi de bi de bi bee beep ding ding ding etc. Weeeeh Sheeeeh!! Fred -- Doesn't look quite right. Chris --Well, well ooh uh the picture in the ad was really just a suggestion. Fred -- Have you given this death trap a name yet? yes yes ah Tony. Well don't you get it Tony as is Tony the Tiger. ...Cornflakes...Ahhh because there's no SUB- stitute for breakfast. Fred --I though I was hammered. Chris -- Alright and now it's time for the inaugural firing up. Now you better stand back cause this baby runs on fifty-four "D" batteries. Fred -- I'm glad we finally learned how to harness that power for peaceful uses. (TONY shoots sparks, smoke and flame) Chris -- Jeez! humh I thought I had that problem worked out. Gladys -- Chris this is too dangerous. Why if you had been inside that thing you would have burned up that new shirt I bought you. Chris -- Mom. Dad I'm gonna let you in on the biggest secret I've ever kept from you. I don't know what the hell I'm doing and I'm scared. Fred -- I think I better help the simp. Chris -- Oh Dad thanks, thanks you do love me after all. Fred -- Oh don't get all misty-eyed I just didn't want to see this dump go up in flames. ( Flashforward -- TONY's completed) Fred -- Well I got to admit it looks pretty damn fine. And ya know what? It was kinda fun putting it together. Am I nuts or did we actually bond for a second there? Chris -- No Dad, I think we actually did bond for a second. (laughs) Ya know I'm, I'm sorry I crazy-glued your eyelids shut, I just wanted to see how far that thing would squirt. (laughs) Well, whatdayasay it's time for it's maiden voyage. huh? Help me get Tony into the bathtub. Fred --Bathtub!! Chris this isn't like one of your Fisher-Price Toys..this is a twenty-dollar piece of machinery. Chris -- Yeah, but dad, Dr. Cousteau tests all his equipment this way. I read that once....or dreamt it. And, and that's why about five years ago I spent the weekend sealing up my tub..in anticipation of this very moment. Fred -- At this point Chris, our quality time is officially over and my coffee time has officially begun. Chris -- Oh okay dad sure no yer yer right I, I'll just test it myself. I'll, I'll take it out back to that weird pond behind the sewage plant. I, I'm sure I won't come back with any diseases that could effect the entire family so don't worry.... Fred -- Alright, alright, you got me for another ten minutes. Chris -- Great Thanks Okay you grab the back. On three. One. ..Two... Argh! (Flash forward to Tony in the bathtub with Chris and Fred inside.) Chris -- It's great to feel the sea again isn't it. Now there are a few nautical rules that I have to familiarize you with. Ah..to begin with..I am the El Capitan. Okay?..and you are the first chambermaid. Now..you will obey all orders without question. You will speak only when spoken to and you will not, under any circumstances sir, disable any of the smoke alarms in the restrooms...Other than that enjoy the buffet. Fred -- Chris I gotta go. I feel a cause of the bends coming on. Chris -- Oh I'm sorry. Would you like a Rolaids? Wow...It's like another world down here isn't it? Oh dad look...look an old boot. No doubt case overboard long ago by some ancient mariner. Fred -- Chris, that's one of your slippers. Chris -- Oh...oh yeah...you're right. (laughs) I'm sorry, I just got caught up in the moment. (laughs) It's like the real thing down here. Fred -- Almost better. Chris -- Well...say...now that you're getting into the spirit, I think it's time for your little on-board surprise (laughs).....Hats! (laughs) Here ya go. Mmm Hmm. Huh Now were like Jauques Cousteau and his son Phillip. Bonjour, Bonjour,Phillipe..Phillipe (laughs) Phillipe! Phillipe there are swimming monkeys and there coming towards us and they're armed. We must retaliate against this aggressive action against our peaceful vessel. (laughs) Oh I'm such a hoot aren't I? Fred -- Chris, I should inform you..I've completely lost interest in this. Chris -- Well uh...You'll like it better when you look through the periscope. "Periscope up!" ..........allright I'll do it. Wow he hee he Neat Cooll hu hu huh hoo hoo. Dee dee deed dee deed de...ugh Fred -- Oh that does it. I'm outta here. It's..it's stuck. Chris -- Huh? Wu..well ah.. Maybe it rusted shut from age. Fred -- It's only been wet for a minute. Chris -- Allright ah... Don't...don't worry dad...ah..According to this instruction book here there's...there's...Oh! There's enough air in here for another twenty minutes...huh...More than enough time for the Navy Seal Rescue Squad to come and take us to safety. Chris -- Ugh oiyyeeagh ...and there we go. See dad I've managed to plug the flow of water with the periscope. Fred -- Good going Chris. We're dying in here but at least the water bill will be managable. Chris -- You know I..I know it said that we only have twenty minutes of air in here but ah, I'm sure that's just an approximation. If we breath slower and ah, if we cut down on the ah the yap yap please...sir?...if you could. I think ah...we could stretch that out to another thirty-six seconds. Fred -- Now we must already to be low on air cause you're starting to make sense to me. Chris -- We also, by the way should economize our movements as much as possible....ah... see that's...duh...wuh...yeah....Please. You know the unfortunate thing is it's time for my daily exercises though. So...uh, Would you just hold my feet firmly if you could? Fred -- NO! Chris -- Allright fine Dad! But if I don't do six situps a day my svelte figure goes straight to hell. Fred -- Just get us out of here. Chris -- Allright allright, I'll, I'll call on the ship-to-shore radio for help (clears throat) Hello? Hello? Breaker.Breaker 1-2-3 Breaker er ah..This is "Tightpants", anybody got their ears on? Yeah ah.. I need..ah.. I need a good buddy to come to my 20 and lend assistance to, ah "Tightpants senior" and myself. Copy that? Anybody copy that? Ten..Ten...I'm ten..ten on your twenty. Fred -- Chris! Chris --Huh? Fred --That's just a plastic toy, nobody can hear you. Chris -- I guess I'm just going to have to do this manually then. (sighs) Okay.... (Screams HELP, HELP!!!) KITCHEN Gladys -- That sounds like Chris screaming as if he's trapped under a lot of water....... ugh That's silly. It's probably one of the neighbors cats getting run over. BATHROOM Chris -- HAAALLLP! HEEEEEAAALLLLLLLPPPP!! AHH! Oh ho ho. Oh.. Fred -- Guess I shouldn't have been so cocky about living this long without hearing loss. Chris -- Allright. Well the worst thing we could do is panic. Okay? Let's..let's try not to think about dying, allright? Just...don't think about you know, your chest heaving for every last scrap of air...your..your blood turning purple from lack of helium and your... your eyes bulging and...and poping out and bouncing off the walls like so many balls in a gymnasium . uh ugh ugh ahh ahha ahh. (Chris has a panic attack and Fred slaps him) Chris -- I'm...I'm sorry you had to do that. Fred -- Are you kidding? That's more fun than I've had all year. Freak out anytime. Chris -- Dad. I'm not that out of control. (Chris panics again) Ahh SQUID! SQUID! Ahh ahh ahhh!!! (Fred slaps him again) Fred --This is turning out to be an O.K. trip after all. KITCHEN Sharon -- "Knock Knock" Larry -- Hello? Mrs. Peterson? Gladys -- Oh hi. Sharon -- Hi. It's that time of year again. Time for my annual distribution of my special German Chocolate Divinity Squares to all the folks in the neighborhood. Now I know how everyone looks forward to it...especially Mr. Peterson. so there you go. Gladys -- Oh well. They look so lovely again dear. Larry -- Where's Chris? Gladys -- Up in his room..playing. Larry -- Remember our deal...When we came here you said that I could say "Hi" to him? Sharon -- Yes but just for five minutes..and I am timing. Gladys -- Thanks again dear. They smell so wonderful. If this year is anything like last year, they won't be around long. (Gladys dumps "squares" into the flip-top trash can) BATHROOM Chris -- "...and then the eyes roll back in the head....The shark's eyes it's there not like a human's eyes....they're black...it's like a doll's eye. And then ya hear that horrible high-pitch scream. You go in the cage?...cage goes in the water?...shark in the water? ...(sings) Fairwell and ado to you seh Spanish maidens. Fairwell and ado to yo.... " Fred -- Would you pipe down? I'm trying to finish this crossword puzzle. Chris -- Oh..I'm sorry. Would you prefer a scene from "Sophie's Choice.?" CHRIS'S ROOM Larry -- Hello? Chris? Sharon -- Uh! So this is the depths to which a man will sink to without the influence of a woman. Larry -- Pretty cool huh? Sharon -- Wuh Larry that's weird..Didn't the PizzaBarge close down a couple of years ago? Larry -- Yeah? Sharon -- Oh ugh! Oh..I should have known better than to touch anything of his. I'm gonna go wash my hands. Not that the bathroom isn't another hell-hole. BATHROOM Chris -- Well that's interesting, Sharon just walked in. Maybe she'll take her clothes off if she doesn't notice us. Fred -- Get her attention.And put out the damn pipe! Chris -- Oh, I'm sorry. Hey! HEY! HEY! Weh..whaddya yuh? Huh? bunh? Huh?I don't think she's getting the message. Fred -- She can't hear you Chris. Write her something! Chris -- Oh ah (Writes "Hi Sharon" then "How are you?" Sharon leaves) Wuzzgoing on? Where's she going? Where's she going. Whadday, waddya doing? CHRIS'S ROOM Larry -- What's the matter, honey? Is Chris in there? Sharon -- Larry, he is doing something so weird in there, that ah....Well, I'm not even going to let you see it. BATHROOM Fred -- Why didn't you write that we're dying in here? Chris -- Well Dad you just don't blurt out something like that. Jeeze. Whatever happened to the art of conversation? C'mon. Oh look don't worry...I'm sure she got the message..I'm sure she's going for help right now. Fred -- You'll pardon the expression but, "Don't hold your breath." KITCHEN GLADYS -- Why am I sweating? Oh the ceiling is sweating. It's unusual but hardly worth investigating. BATHROOM Fred -- Well, ' least your mother will be able to collect on the insurance and be rich like she always wanted. Chris -- There's just enough time left for you and me to open up to each other. Dad is there something you've always wanted to say to me but was never able to? Look deep within yourself. Fred -- No, I'm...I'm drawing a blank, sorry. Chris -- Look deeper. Fred -- Chris, the only thing I can think about is that this is going to be the most embarrassing obituary to ever hit the papers. Chris -- Dad I...I hate to correct you at such a dire moment but I think the guy who electricuted himself urinating on the electric fence holds that honor. Fred -- Chris I just thought of something I want to say to you...Clam Up! Chris -- Is, is that from the heart? Fred -- Yes. Chris -- Well that's what I'm gonna do for you father. For our final moments together; I'm not gonna say a "peep." Fred -- Well that's really nice of you Chris. I really do appreaciate it. It's almost...well, like a dream come true. Chris -- I can't do it. I can't do it. I'm a babbling idiot now and forever. I am what I am. Fred -- Ahh. Take it easy. I've known that since the day you were conceived. Don't feel to bad, you went almost a minute. Chris -- Than you're proud of me? Fred -- I didn't say that. Chris -- (pouts) ungh. Fred -- ugh.. okay I'm..I'm proud of you. Chris -- Uh, oh thanks Dad...You're..you're actually proud of me. Wow! A nugget of acceptance! Boy! Jeeze. You know what? huh. I'm now seeing why all this is happening to us. It's...it's really kind of a blessing isn't it? Fred -- Gimme a break. KITCHEN (More water on Gladys's paper) BATHROOM Chris -- I'm sorry. I'm..I'm just soaking up this new father and son thing that we got going here. It's... it's pretty wonderful in my book. (pipe breaks and water leaks from the roof of the sub onto CHRIS's head) Ahh ahh. ! Fred -- Jeeze! How many people get to suffocate and drown? Chris -- 92. I don't know that answer for sure. I was just guessing. Father? ugh ugh ugh ugh....Before we go to that big U-Boat dock in the sky, could I have one last hug? Fred -- Okay, Okay but watch your hands. Chris -- Oh thank you...I love you Pops. I wasn't such a bad son after all was I? Fred -- No you weren't. Boy, at a time like this you'll say anything to get to heaven, won't you? Jeeze! what's keeping this damn water so long? Chris -- Ah. You know what the most amazing thing is about all this is? is that the floor of my bathroom can hold the weight of all this water. KITCHEN ("Tony" falls through the ceiling) Chris -- Oh Ugh. Woo (sniffs) Eeww Do I smell Sharon's German Chocolate Divinity crap? Gladys -- Chris ! What did we tell you about putting excessive weight in your room which our house, structurally, cannot handle?!! Chris -- Allright don't worry Mom, I'm gonna write a letter to that flim flam submarine corporation about my extreme displeasure with their product and one way or another I'm gonna get my money back, no matter how long it takes. BACKYARD (Chris as an old man) Forty years later caption Chris -- (voice over) "Dear Mr. Peterson. Thank you for your letter. We're sorry that it has taken us so long to respond.We will gladly reimburse you for your submarine. Please return it in it's original packaging for a full refund." Life is just too damn short. (Chris has heart failure and keels over) THE END