GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- CHRIS AND LARRY SWITCH LIVES 21. 05/12/91 "CHRIS AND LARRY SWITCH LIVES" Writer: Edd Hall / Director: David Mirkin Chris activates a curse when he removes an arrowhead from an indian burial ground. The punishment: he must live his worst nightmare and trade lives with Larry. Jackie ............ Beth Broderick Bobby ............. Brady Bluhm Amy ............... Taylor Fry (Chris and Larry wandering in the woods) Chris -- Oh. Look Larry, I told you we'd be able to find it and it would still be here. Larry -- Great , great let's just get out. I'm getting creepy dead Indian vibes. Chris -- Well, that would make sense wouldn't it? considering this in an ancient Indian burial ground? Look it's so cool with the, the moonlight and the trees and the ancient rotting bones beneath our feet? It's the perfect place for a pretend make-out date. (talks to his hand) "Hi...what....okay. mm hmm. You have beautiful fingers. Are those Lee Press-on Nails?... I won't tell...hmm What?...(laughs) I didn't..." Larry, would you stop staring at us like were a couple of freaks? C'mon join in. Why do you think we climbed all the way up here? Larry -- Chris we're fifty from the back of the mall. Look, I've got to get back or Sharon's gonna kill me. Tonight's the night I make taffy from scratch with the kids. Chris -- Taffy from scratch...Wow heh heh ho....Marvelous...oh...How I envy you're fairy-tale life, jeeze.....(grimly) Why don't you just take a gun and blow your head off? Look ah, Larry before we leave, why don't we just look around for something neat. Larry -- Chris. We didn't find anything neat when we were kids, we're not gonna find anything neat now. Chris -- Well Larry that's because that when we were kids we didn't know exactly where to look but now that we're grown-ups we know that we must look on the ground. Larry -- Let's just get out of here. Chris -- Larry, Larry look! Larry -- Chris that is nothing! It is nothing but...an authentic Indian arrowhead. Chris -- Wow. Jeeze it's gorgeous, isn't it? (laughs) I can't wait to get this home. Larry -- Chris you can't take that from here. This is sacred Indian ground. Chris -- Well, Larry I'm not going to do anything disrespectful with it. I'm gonna put it on my Dad's chair and then look at his face when he sits on it. (laughs) Larry -- Chris, don't you remember the curse? Chris -- Did I remember to curse? (laughs) Larry -- No Chris, the Indian curse. Anyone who takes anything from their burial ground will be confronted with his own worst nightmare. Chris -- Jeeze, I'm really scared. ooohh hoo hoo hoo I'm scared. oooohhh Come and get me ancient spirits. Look, c'mon I'm taking your arrowhead. Look at me wwoo oooh I'm putting it into my pocket right now. C'mon hit me with your best MoJos ....Babies... THUNDERSTORM Larry -- Did you feel that?!! Chris -- Tsk! Oh yeah right Larry..That was an ancient Indian curse kicking in and not just a very localized thunderstorm and about a 8.7 earthquake. Jeeze CHRIS'S ROOM Chris -- Hey you neighbor kids! Knock off that damn rock 'n roll! Probably a new Paul Simon album. Tonight underneath my pillow, tomorrow underneath my daddy's rear. I do so love parlor tricks. Indian curse...Indeed! Chris -- (wakes to find himself sleeping next to Sharon) Aaagh. Sharon, what the hell are you doing in my bed? And why have you redecorated my room like a whorehouse? Wait a second, this isn't my room it's your bedroom. Sharon -- What are you babbling about? Chris -- Oh my god. Oh. I must have been sleepwalking.(laughs) Uh uh jeeze.. I pray to god I was only sleep-walking. (laughs) Sharon -- Stop it. C'mon give us our good morning kiss. Chris -- Eew ugh. Sharon -- Larry, You're irritating me a little earlier in the day than usual, and this is not good. Chris -- Sharon why do you keep calling me Larry? Sharon -- What? Chris -- And why is everything fuzzy today? (Picks up Larry's glasses puts em on) Oh oh that's much better. Oh ew I'm wearing his old man pajamas....his underpants too...and something with string and elastic. ' Kay, alright Sharon what's the joke? C'mon. Is it tricks or treats? I...am I supposed to give you some candies now? I don't.... Sharon -- Honey, are you feeling allright? You know you're not looking too well. Chris -- Hmm mmm Okay Sharon Thank you very much that's enough. I see through your stupid little joke. Kids -- DADDY!! Chris -- Kids, kids, c'mon. Kids, I'm not your daddy. Don't you recognize me? It's, it's Chris you daddy's idiot friend from down the street. Amy -- Daddy don't tell jokes. You know you're not very good at them. Chris -- Honey I'm not your daddy. (laughs) Thank god. I'm Chris Peterson. I'm too young to have kids. Amy -- Daddy you're scaring me. Chris -- Sharon, I can't believe you would stoop so low as to rope your own children into this...sick charade of yours. Huh. Allright Larry where are ya? Larry? Where are ya? Sharon -- Oh kids. I'm sorry. Chris -- Larry? Sharon -- You're father is obviously going through the change, but I, I promise I will knock some sense into him later okay? Now run along..go head. And as for you, clown, get your clothes on and get the hell to work. Chris -- Work? Oh, work That's...that's where Larry is. Well I'll just go down....Well I can't go dressed like this, can I? Hmm. Oh my god..He's got the entire "Johnny Carson collection." LARRY"S WORK Employee -- Hey Potter. You're late. The boss is gonna kill ya. Chris -- What is this? Drive Chris nuts until he sticks his head in a blender day? Okay Larry, hm, you got me good. Jackie --You're twenty minutes late Potter, that goes on my report and gives me another reason to dislike you. Chris -- Look ah, Lady. I'm sick of this joke, okay? So um, (sniff) here's a buck. Why don't you ah, go out a buy yourself a pretty bra huh? and some cake mix. (laughs) Well listen, before you do that, could you tell me where Larry is? Jackie -- Larry you're annoying me earlier in the day than usual, and that's not good. Chris -- Jeeze, this guy gets it at home and the office. (laughs) What a poor whipped bastard. (laughs) Jackie -- You don't want me to call your wife again do you? and tell her how displeased I am? Chris -- Very good. Look lady, why don't you just save your smelly breath okay? (laugh) Because I've got the pin to pop your prank balloon. (laugh) I happen to know that Larry always keeps a picture of his family right here on his desk. BAM! (laugh) (picture shows Chris in photo as Larry) Ah ah Jackie -- Potter you're only getting in deeper, which I enjoy. But I do have better things to do today. So get me those figures you promised. First, get me a cup of coffee. Chris -- Lady. You are out of your Clairol headed mind. Jackie -- Potter! Chris -- Okay right away. Let me get that for ya. Oh. Jeeze. What's happening to me? I'm actually losing the will to resist orders. Could it be that I'm...I'm actually turning into Larry? Nuh...No, that's impossible. Jackie -- POTTER!! Chris - Yeah! Lemme getcha a coffee...here we go. (laughs) Jackie -- Now start adding, worm. Chris -- Oh..oh..okay...ah...sure.. ah...huh? Ah. You know I, I, I think there must be some mistake here, this page is full of numbers with ah, with those, those little dot period things and, and that makes it very confusing. Jackie -- I am waiting. Chris -- I can't add this. Jackie -- That's why you have an adding machine, moron! Chris -- Wow! he he he hey he he! A machine that actually adds numbers. Jeeze Boy why didn't somebody tell me about this in school. (laughs) Jeeze. Now there's always a catch isn't there? (laughs) It's just too complicating for an average fella like me to operate. Jackie -- Allright! That's insubordination! You're fired, Potter! Chris -- Well you can't fire me because I never worked here. Well, at least I don't think I did. But in case I did, I quit. Okay honey? Take a look at me, I'm bumpin' and grindin' my way outta your heart. Okay? You're not gonna have me, or whoever the hell I am, to kick around anymore. HmMmm Boom! Jackie -- That's it Potter. You're fired and I'm pressing charges. Chris -- Fine! Come and get me. You know where I live. Man I am in desperate need of help. I'm gonna find my Mommy and Daddy. KITCHEN Gladys -- More coffee dear? Fred -- No thank you Gladys, another cup and you'll have to scrape me off the ceiling. Chris -- Oh thank God. Oh Mom and Dad. (laugh) There you both are, sitting at the kitchen table with that....dumb as a tree look. Fred -- Gladys, Here's twenty bucks, will ya do me a favor and throw this moron out? CHRIS -- Moron, moron? (laughs) moron. Oh my dear loving father, you do recognize me. Fred --Are you seeing things Larry? Or did that battleaxe wife of yours hit you with a skillet again. Chris -- Ma, ma surely you must recognize the fruit of your loins? Gladys -- I have no quarrel with you Larry but come any closer and I'll bury a butter knife in your chest. Chris -- Ugh. I don't know what's happening to me? I must have got some bad liquor or something. Fred -- Oh c'mon Potter, we all know you don't drink. You sure it isn't some kind of a reefer madness type deal? Chris -- Mom, Dad? What do I have to do to prove to you that it's me? Wull I know. Remember all those wonderful times we spent together?........Well there's gotta be something? Oh. Oh yeah? Ru-Remember the time I left the car idling in the garage and, and then the fumes seeped in and we ended up face down in our lagsanga? Now how would I know that if I'm not me? Fred -- Cause that's just the type of idiotic thing that Chris would brag about to his best friend. Chris -- But I'm Chris! Larry -- Hi Mom. Hi Dad! Gladys -- Hi son. (Chris holds his head and screams) Larry -- Hi Larry. Didn't even notice you over there. You wouldn't believe what happened to me today. I'm riding along and "BOOM" this guy hits me with his car. I go right through the windshield and land in his lap not a scratch on me. I look up and it's Robert Goulette. (laughs) Naw, I'm just kidding that really didn't happen. But wouldn't it be weird if it did. (laughs) Chris -- Ah, ah Larry, I've got to talk to you. Larry -- Larry? You're Larry. What did ya do, get a hold of some bad liquor? (laughs) Chris -- Larry something horrible's going on here. It all started when I woke up next to a hideous red-headed lump. In layman's terms--Sharon. (laughs) Larry -- Hideous lump? Larry that's your wife you're talking about. You're finally coming to your senses. Chris -- Larry, You're the only one I can trust not to think I'm crazy. Somehow, you and I have switched places. Through some kind of cosmic rip inthe universe. ueh. Either that or David Copperfield's in the neighborhood. Larry look, I know that if we don't panic, we put our heads together, we can solve this. Larry -- I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. Do you like rootbeer? Chris -- ooh Jeeze. I can't believe what an idiot I am? Uh How do people put up with me? I've got a mind like a sieve. Larry, Larry. Something dreadful is going on here. My life sucks and it's supposed to be your life that sucks! Larry -- Larry relax. Nobody's life sucks, as long as Mr. Horsey-hide's still alive. Chris -- OH, I HATE ME!! Fred -- You and you're nutty glue-sniffing friends. POTTER RESIDENCE Sharon -- Oh Chris -- I had nowhere else to go. Sharon -- Where the hell have you been? I called your boss. She told me about your little outburst. But, fortunately for you, I convinced her to give you another chance. And I promised her that tomorrow you'd be in a crawling mood. As for what I'm going to do with you, well, I'm still working on that. Chris -- Look Sharon, I've had a very rough day, okay? I've just been fired from a job I don't have. My parents don't know who I am anymore. Somebody else is living my pure sweet life and I have a piece of baloney in my teeth that I can't seem to get out. Now I'm gonna go upstairs, strip totally naked and crawl into what, for some reason and I still don't know why, has now become our bed. Excuse me.... Sharon -- You are not Mr. Have you entirely forgotten your familial responsibilities? This evening you have to finish paying this months bills, and help the childred with their homework. Oh, and you've got to finish hemming that dress for me too. Chris -- Oh my god. Oh, if I ever change back, please don't let me forget that he has to hem her dresses. Amy -- Daddy can you help me with my homework? Chris -- Oh I...ugh. Okay...ah...sweetheart....what do you have? Amy -- Fractions. Chris -- Fractions. Oh...fractions...well...ahh. You know they're really easy...fractions are..ah...they use the...ah...you know the square root canal...thing... and ah...and then they have that um...you know that stupid "pi" logo thing...they work with...kay? Good luck honey? Amy -- Mommy? When did daddy become such a moron? Bobby -- Daddy, help me now. Chris -- Wait a second, you're studying already? (laughs) Jeeze. You know in my day, you didn't have to start studying until you were old enough to figure out a way how to get out of it. Bobby -- C'mon daddy I need help. I'm studying Indian curses. Chris --Indian curses? Lemme see that. (reads) "The most powerful and feared curse is involked when an individual takes an item from a sacred Indian burial ground. Like say, an ancient Indian arrowhead. The end result typically, is that the individual is forced to live out his worst nightmare." Ah...hmm.. this sounds vaguely familiar, but I don't know why. Wait a second..This is not unlike what happened to me! Yes! yes! I, I'm cursed. I'm cursed and I'm living out my own worst nightmare. Oh my god and I'm...I'm trapped forever. What will I do? (Turns to the next page which says "HOW TO GET OUT OF IT") (reads) "The only way to lift the curse is to return the stolen object to the sacred burial ground within twenty-four hours of it's theft. If the person does not, the curse is permenant and irrevokable." Aw? What does "irrevokable" mean? Bobby -- It means it can't be changed back. Chris --Holy crap! I gotta get that arrowhead back. Where did I leave it? Oh ye, oh yeah up, on underneath the pillow. sheese suh Excuse me now honey, I've got to go and do whatever the hell I can to get outta this hellish nightmare life that you and I are living. POTTER'S BEDROOM Chris -- Okay..allright. All I've gotta do is find the arrowhead and get it back to the Indian burial ground in...in a half an hour!! Uuungh ung. Where is it? Where did I put it? Ugh. Allright, allright. Just be calm. Think rationally, okay? That's easy, allright. Allright now... Nnn wait a second..It wouldn't be under my pillow..It would be under my pillow, which is technically his pillow. Oh god, I'm gonna be so happy when that kind of talk doesn't make sense to me anymore. CHRIS'S BEDROOM Chris -- Jeeze. What a slob I am. And now that I'm no longer myself I....I know what everybody meant by that stink. Larry --Please sir...I realize that you are a car...but I must reprimand you for trying on my pants. Chris -- I can't believe it. This guy even dreams my recurring dreams. Ah Mmmm. Larry -- Oohgh! Someone's in my room. Go away. I'm young and innocent. Chris -- Would you shut up Larry/Chris? It's me, Chris/Larry. I came for the arrowhead. Larry -- No way. It's my arrowhead. Chris -- Look, I've got to get the arrowhead back to the Indian burial ground in...in less that twenty minutes, otherwise I'm destined to be married to Sharon for the rest of my life which, of course, would only be as long as it takes me to throw myself in front of a truck on the interstate. Give it to me. Larry -- No wait. Chris -- Give it to me. Larry -- It's mine Chris -- Just give it to me...you. Give it to me. Jeeze, he's actually winning. Huh. I always knew I could beat that little girlscout, Larry. It's not actually helping me though is it? Oh...oh Chris. Chris I give up. ow Whew Whew Woh ho ho ho boy...oh I give up...wow...oh...jeeze oh ho ho ho...Give it to me. Larry -- Come back here you five eyes. Larry! Gimme back my arrowhead. Chris -- No. It must go back in the ground. Larry -- But I haven't had a chance putting it under my Dad's rear yet. Aaagh! Chris -- Wait a second. Wait, wait...I'm back. I'm back it's me. It's me, I'm back. Oh. I'm back in my own lovely sexy clothes. Oh (kisses himself six times) Hu hu ho ho ho No more geek-nerdy-Regis Philbin, I'm-dead-and-belong-in-a-coffin-loser-coffee-making-suits. (laughs) I'm sorry Larry, I mean that in a good sense. Larry -- Everything's a daze. Chris -- Oh really? hmm. I kinda remember everything, huh?-- Dress hemmer. Larry -- I guess I should be getting home. Chris -- Oh..yeah..ah..Larry I don't know that you want to, ah...you know run home so quickly. Larry -- Well I have to Chris I have a lot of work to do on tomorrow's budget meeting. Chris -- Yeah...yeah..ah. You might wanna..ah keep kind of a low profile at the office too-- Dress hemmer. (laughs) Larry -- Why do you keep saying that? Chris -- (laughs) Larry -- See you tomorrow Chris? Chris -- Yeah, sure Larry. See ya tomorrow. (sighs) Well, this was kind of a spiffy adventure wasn't it? I think I've learned sort of a valuable lesson here, that we must respect the rights of those who have died and gone before us. Hmm. (Chris takes the arrowhead. Tunder) Chris -- Yeah, yeah. CHRIS'S BEDROOM. POTTER'S BEDROOM Chris -- Great. Oh. What the hell. I've always been a little curious. (laugh) Now that I've got an extra twenty-four hours. (clears throat) Morning honey. What do you say we fool around? Larry -- My, we're very frisky so early in the morning? Chris -- Oh my god! I'm Sharon! THE END