GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- CHRIS GETS HIS TONSILS OUT 27. 12/07/91 "CHRIS GETS HIS TONSILS OUT" (205) Writers: Andrew Gordon, Eileen Conn / Director: David Mirkin Chris goes to the doctor after having a sore throat, and is terrified when told he needs a tonsillectomy. With his voice gone after the operation, Sharon torments Chris. His voice returns just in time for Chris to drop dead as one of the .001% who die from tonsillectomies. Dr. Garrett ....... Earl Boen Amy Potter ........ Taylor Fry GUS' KITCHEN (portion missing) GUS -- .........(Gus is looking at Chris's mouth with a lighter) Now wait a second. Ahh...little blisters are starting to form in here. CHRIS -- Aagh...aagh I kinda get kind of a burning sensation in there. Can you explain that to me. GUS -- I wouldn't worry about it, unless it was in your urinary tract. But even then you get used to it. CHRIS -- Well that's a relief. Huh, I feel a lot better now. GUS -- Naw I've seen it a hundred times. What you got is a plain 'ol simple, run-of-the-mill soar throat. CHRIS -- Oh kay. (clutches his throat!) A soar throat!! AMBULANCE DR KRAMER's OFFICE CHRIS -- Good morning Dr. Kramer KRAMER -- Mr. Peterson, it's very unusual to take an ambulance for a simple check-up. CHRIS -- I take ambulances everywhere. I find them much more courteous and quicker than taxi cabs. Also their telephone number is easier to memorize, it's just 911. Oh boy. Jeeze, I can't tell you how comforting it is to be in the hands of my old family doctor. (laughs) We've been through so much together haven't we...mumps, measles...my yearly circumcision? By the way, I think I'm about due for that. KRAMER -- Uh, what seems to be the trouble, Mr. Peterson? CHRIS -- Wull Doc, it's my throat today. It, it kinda feels like there's a litter of kittens in there trying to claw their way out. Can you see in there? Meow, meow, meow. (laughs) KRAMER -- Well, take your shirt off and I'll have a look. CHRIS -- Do what? KRAMER -- Your shirt, Mr. Peterson. CHRIS -- How dare you exploit my pain to get your own private little sex show? KRAMER -- Shh shh, Keep your voice down. Just hop up on the scale then. CHRIS -- Well, jeeze. CHRIS -- (Scale weights klanks on 300) Hey wow, did I win a stuffed animal? KRAMER -- Mmm. You could stand to lose alittle weight, Mr. Peterson. CHRIS -- Oh yeah right. And Doctors are all perfect aren't they? Oh yeah. Oh boy. They don't drink like fish or...smoke like...fish or, or do drugs like fish. Oh no, they're perfect. Believe me Doc, I'll outlive you by a dec by a decade..deca...Uh ooh I'm winded. I'm sorry, sometimes when I put more than four sentances in a row I tend to black out. KRAMER -- Mmm hmm (pulls a centipede from Chris's ear). CHRIS -- I was wondering where that got to. KRAMER -- Say Ah. CHRIS -- Agh agh. KRAMER -- Mm hmm. CHRIS -- What is it Doc? You can be straight with me. Does it have something to do with my rear? KRAMER -- It's your tonsils Chris. I'm afraid they're inflamed. In fact they're worst than I've ever seen. You weren't swallowing fire or anything like that recently, were you? CHRIS -- Jeeze, I wish. KRAMER -- Well, I'm afraid your tonsils will have to come out. CHRIS -- Oh my god. Uh, and I had so many plans. I wanted to have children. And now my voice will get high, I'll sprout breasts and sit around all day in lingerie...not that that'd be the worst thing in the world, but you understand what I'm saying. KRAMER -- Mr. Peterson, a tonsilectomy is a very simple procedure. CHRIS -- Well Doc, what would happen if I just left 'em in? KRAMER -- They would continue growing until they became full-sized human beings with personalities of their own--one good--one evil. (pauses then laughs) Just kidding. That's just a little story I tell to make the children cry. CHRIS -- (crying) Okay, oh. Well then are you saying the operation is perfectly safe? KRAMER -- Well, no surgery is 100% safe. CHRIS -- Okay well, what are my chances Doc? And keep in mind I have a very weak bladder. KRAMER -- I'd say you have a 99.999 % chance of survival. CHRIS -- Let me work that out. (Pulls out slide rule) KRAMER -- Mr. Peterson, that means there's only a .001% chance of complication. CHRIS -- Exactly. I'm a dead man. KRAMER -- Mr. Peterson. Everythings going to be okay. CHRIS -- Oh Doc, I know you have to say that but I'm already going throught the seven stages of death, first denial, then anger, then hunger, and then Sleepy and Doc and Donner and Blitsen. Oh jeeze, Oh I realize now that I'm all alone. I'm doomed, oh, isolated from the rest of the world, like a free floating blob of cellulite cast adrift in a sea of cotton candy soaked in dog saliva. Which is so ironic because dogs are allergic to cotton candy, except of course the poodle. Oh why me? Why me, I'm so young? I'm so innocent. I'm so chocolatey. KRAMER -- Will you shut the hell up and get out? I have another patient here. CHRIS -- Oh sure. TELLING THE FAMILY KITCHEN CHRIS -- Goodmorning Mom. Morning Dad. GLADYS -- Oh, how are you dear? CHRIS -- Oh I'm, I'm fine. You know my, my slacks are neatly pressed and not a hair is out of place and sports is fun. Oh, who am I kidding? I can't continue with this charade. Oh, yeoh Mom, Dad? Oh. What would you do if I was no longer around? FRED -- Uh, Don't tease us boy. CHRIS -- Okay. Let me try to get through this without weeping. FRED -- That would be a first. CHRIS -- Okay ah, here it is. I've just come from the doctor and, um I mean a real doctor not one of those pimps like Dr. Detroit, and ah, well, it seems that I'm gravely ill. And, well they have to go in and... they have to delicately ah, remove my precious, bulbous, puss-filled tonsils.. FRED -- I knew it. He did it to us again, Gladys. GLADYS -- Chris, why must you always jerk us around? Having your tonsils out is not a big deal. CHRIS -- Oh, they got to you didn't they? Sure, told you how to act so you wouldn't scare me out of my underpants, huh? FRED -- For crying out loud Chris, as much as it hurts me to say it, you're going be fine. CHRIS -- No sure Dad, let's all play "steeped in denial." Come on, don't you understand I'm being honest with you here? Look I, I want you two to do something for me okay? If something should happen and, well I'm not able to enjoy life....the way I'm able to now like, well like being able to eat as many Fritos as I like or pulling tics off the cat, or watching bananas get those little brown spots on 'em. If I can't do that anymore....I want you two to....pull the....plug. FRED -- Trust us. We'll insist. CHRIS -- And I want an open casket. Unless of course I die with a face like this. POTTER'S LIVING ROOM SHARON -- (Chris pounds on door) Alright! CHRIS -- Goodbye Sharon. SHARON -- Goodbye Chris. (Slams door in his face) CHRIS -- Sharon? Sharon? Sharon? aagh oh, eeeegh Sharon. (climbs through window) eugh. Sharon, I've come to make my peace with you. SHARON -- Oh? Well good cause this is one of the few times I'm actually prepared for one of your little visits, Chris. (she picks up an axe) CHRIS -- Oh Sharon listen, I'm gonna die...of a terrible, terrible disease. SHARON -- Really? CHRIS -- Mm hm. SHARON -- Tell me more. CHRIS -- Well ah, I have to undergo a, a very dangerous and unspeakable surgery. SHARON -- Oh Chris, you do this to me every year and then at the last minute you decide not to get the lyposuction. CHRIS -- Oh, how can I prove to you that my days are numbered here. Ah oh, I've an idea. Ah, Sharon if I wasn't really gonna die, would I give you this? It's my precious necklace of cow teeth. SHARON -- Oh, oh.(gags) CHRIS -- See how the tartar glistens in the light? SHARON -- Um CHRIS -- Mmm. My only regret is that much of it's original delicate scent has now faded. Well that's yours, enjoy. SHARON -- You know Chris as stupid and, and disgusting as this gesture is, it does prove that you're not kidding. CHRIS -- Oh, oh how I wish I was sweet Sharon. No I, I'm not. I'm here because, well I want you to know that I'm sorry for all the minor inconveniences that I may have caused you. (cries) I truly am. SHARON -- Well, Chris ah.....I.. forgive you. CHRIS -- Just as I'm sure you're sorry for being such a colossal bitch to me and everyone else for low these many years SHARON -- Well I wouldn't go quite.... CHRIS -- Oh how I need to hear you say it. SHARON -- Okay...yes...I am. CHRIS -- Sharon, before I go on through to the...great behind, I have one final request. SHARON -- What? CHRIS -- I really need a hug. SHARON -- Oh. CHRIS -- (sobs) Oh ho. SHARON -- So ah, Chris, what, what kind of operation are you having? CHRIS -- Oh it's, it's very rare, it's very dangerous, they, they call it a, it's a tonsil..loctomy. That's they (Sharon knees Chris is the groin) Oh eeegh hee hee hee hee. Aagh aagh aagh aagh. Oh gagh, our beautiful moment together was spoiled by a random muscle spasm. What a pity. SHARON -- Chris, unfortunately you can't die from a tonsilectomy. Jeeze that damned doctor has gotten to everybody. AMY -- What's going on? CHRIS -- Oh ah, your mother was just consoling me before I have to go and have my tonsils removed. AMY -- I might have to get my tonsils out too. CHRIS -- Oh jeeze you know what? We're as good as dead. Uh, I'll see you in hell honey. (Amy runs screaming out of the room.) Hm, what got into her? (laughs) Kids huh. (laughs) Go figure? I can't. (Sharon shoots at Chris with a revolver) Just.(gunshot) Oh gosh, hey, wow, we're shooting at me aren't we? I'll just. (Sharon continues shooting) Oh-kay. (gunshot) Door unlocked....(gunshot) there ya go...okay. (gunshot) You know you might want to have the (gunshot) sights checked on that thing, I think you're just a tad low. (gunshots) POTTER DOORSTEP CHRIS -- Well, now it's time to savor my last day of life on this big beautiful planet we call.........eh...uh..Pluto? SAYING GOODBYE CHRIS --Oh flowers! Oh I think I'm gonna pick you. Yeah, you're for me. Come on up. Oh, you smell so good. Mmm.(Chris lights them on fire) Yes. (Chris smooches up to a growling dog) Hi. Hi, how are ya? How are you doing today? I love ya. (blows kisses) (Chris merrily (dee dee dee etc.) spraypaints over the Mona Lisa and giggles histerically) (Chris throws eggs at an old lady from the roof) CHRIS -- Woo woo oh. LADY -- Aaagh. What are you doing? Aaagh CHRIS -- Ha ha ha wool LADY -- Aaagh CHRIS -- Watch out below. (Chris births a baby) CHRIS -- Aaagh. woo woow etc. I got one! I got one! (laughs with joy) CHRIS -- Oh. Well, I've made my peace with the world, and now I'm ready to face the unknown like a man. (Chris, on the stretched screaming on his way to the operating table.) CHRIS -- Aaagh Aaagh hee hee hee hee hee. I don't wanna die. Ooh hoo. CHRIS HOSPITAL ROOM FRED -- Well, he's not moving. I say let's pull the plug. GLADYS -- Fred, he's fine. He's just coming out of the anesthesia. GUS -- Besides, he's not even hooked up to any machines. FRED -- Well then just give me a pillow. (Chris comes to. Fred looks dissapointed.) CHRIS -- (voice over) Oh my parents, the most beautiful sight in the whole world. I'm alive. I survived. I survived. Either that or we're all dead and we're burning in hell together. No, it can't be. Gus is here too and he's too good, too pure to be in hell. I am alive. It's like experiencing all the wonderful sensations of life anew; the warm sun on my face, the soft hum of the flourescent tubes as they give us additional holy light, the constant familiar itching and burning in my left ear, and of course the cool sensation of my skin crawling with microscopic insects. I've never felt so happy in my life. Mmm. GLADYS -- Chris...Chris how do you feel? CHRIS -- Oh oh ugh, I can't talk. The pain. Horrible. I can't talk. GLADYS -- What's he trying to tell us? FRED -- I think he wants me to throw a glass of water in his face. Oh, that wasn't it...silly me. GUS -- Funny, that's exactly what I thought he was trying to say. GLADYS -- Oh, I get it. He's just realizing he can't talk. FRED -- Of course you can't talk you idiot, you just had your tonsils out. GLADYS -- Don't worry, you'll get your voice back soon. CHRIS -- Jeeze, can you believe it? They're all lying to me again. Those heartless bastards. I can see it in their faces, more full of pity than usual. Now I'm sure they're saying I'll be okay but if I could record every other word and play it backwards on a phonograph, the message would come out crystal clear--I will never speak again. FRED -- I think he's looking for another glass of water in the puss. GLADYS -- No Fred, he wants us to leave. FRED -- Oh, it's almost as good. (They leave) CHRIS -- Great. I ask for a simple glass of water in the face and they walk out on me. THE DEPRESSION GARAGE CHRIS -- Well, this is just great. I might as well be a bird, a big, dumb, stupid...bird....or a street mime. I can forget about "Karaoke Night" at the local Moose Lodge. And no more philosophical discussions on the Teen Chat Party Line. I guess I'm just going to have to rely on the kindness of others to accept the new, mute...me. SHARON -- Hi Chris. I just came by to see if it's true. Can't talk huh? CHRIS -- SHARON -- Oh, my prayers have been answered. So, can't talk at all, huh? Well, then aren't you a big, fat idiot? CHRIS -- SHARON -- I mean, correct me if I'm wrong? CHRIS -- SHARON -- Apparently not. Well Chris, I do hope you will say something if I'm doing anything what-so-ever that's bothering you. (slaps him in the face) Is that bothering you? CHRIS -- SHARON -- Apparently not. Oh wait, wait, wait, I, I, I know what you're saying honey. (throws glass of water in his face.) Your Dad told me you liked that. Well, I'll be back tomorrow...with tools.. Unless of course, you don't want me to come back. Speak up honey. Okay then, see you tomorrow. CHRIS -- That does it. I can't just lie here like a silent lump. I've got to get my voice back no matter what it takes. I've got things to say. I've got things to sing. I've got noises to make. They say there's no therapy, that my voice will come back on it's own. Well as usual, I know better because I'm the smartest human being on the face of the earth. If I wasn't, I'd be smart enough to know. What do super-smart people do when they lose their voices? They come up with their own therapy. Who needs those stupid Phd. Doctor, Lawyer, Indian Chiefs. I'll do it all on my own. THE THERAPY CHRIS -- Drinking my own concoction of Coke and Pop Rocks three times a day should stimulate the vocal chords. And twelve hours a day on the vibra-2000 to keep my rear-end from putting too much drag on my throat. Repeated punches to the adam's apple for strength. A frequent daily hanging should keep my neck muscles stretched and supple. GARAGE CHRIS -- I can't believe I've had no results. I have to face the horrible reality that no one will ever hear another peep out of me again. I guess tomorrow I've gotta start practicing talking out of other parts of my body. SHARON -- Goodmorning Chris. Are we talking yet? Oh gee, that's too bad. Well oh. As usual I'm here to entertain you in your time of need. Today we are going to be experimenting with water...and a heavy duty truck battery. Here. We are going to see just how much electricity the human body can actually take. CHRIS -- ye ugh ugh. Key eeegh. SHARON -- I think a pathetic little birdy got trapped in here. CHRIS -- (noises) Gee ouw Sheereghn. (laughs) Geeh ow Sheerehn.(laughs) Geeh out Sharon. Get thee gone Sharon. SHARON -- Damn, sometimes life sucks. CHRIS -- Oh oh ho. Yes I can, I can talk. Oh, I can talk. I can talk again...and....and I can talk and walk at the same time. (laughs) Wow, I'm even better than before. Look out world...here I come. (laughs) Uh hey, hey. OUTSIDE CHRIS -- Yes, yes. Oh, I can talk and run at the same time. Oh, ho ho ho ho yes. Oh, life is fair, life is good. Life is wonderful. (laughs) I'm cured. (laughs) Everybody I'm cured. Aaagh Aaagh Aaagh Aaagh Kyow. (Chris collapses on the grass) TONSILITIS KILLS .001% DON'T BECOME A STATISTIC THE END