GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- HELL LOOP 2000 1. 09/23/90 "TERROR ON THE HELL LOOP 2000" (pilot) Writer: Chris Elliott, Adam Resnick, David Mirkin / Director: David Mirkin Chris persuades Larry to take the day off work and go to an amusement park to ride the all-new Hell Loop roller coaster, but they get stuck in the loop. [Music: Go-Go's/Head Over Heels] Connie Bristol .... Julie Brown Mr. Simon ......... Graham Jarvis Angelica .......... Lee Garlington Ride Operator ..... Tracy Walter Engineer .......... Michael G. Hagerty (CHRIS'S BEDROOM) CHRIS -- (dreaming) Ah Things that fly...ah things that jump...ah Things that play the harmonica. Uh come on, come on. uh. My celebrity stinks. She's giving me lousy clues. Ugh ugh ugh oh oh Oh what a nightmare. That's the last time I eat a whole box of Steak-ums right before bed. (Switches on James Brown) CHRIS -- (doing a pushup) Oooh, okay, you're bad, allright you're lookin' good. You're a corporate animal. Arf Arf arf. Aargh. Oh. Oh damn. I missed Fraggle Rock. CHRIS -- Oh Miss Hanna. Why don't you just fall right into my burning ring of fire. KITCHEN CHRIS -- Hey, Mom, Dad, what are you guys doing up so early? I thought ah, retired people were supposed to get as much sleep as possible. You know to rest up for all the clapping you gotta do to turn the lights on and off? (laughs) FRED -- Gladys were you smoking heavily when you were pregnant with Chris? GLADYS -- Chris, you're father has something very important he wants to talk to you about. CHRIS --Well sure dad but I can't be late for work. FRED -- That's exactly what I want to talk to you about. You know son, a couple of years ago when you moved out of the house into the garage that was a step in the right direction. But now your mother and I feel like maybe you're in a rut. GLADYS -- We don't think you're really happy and we don't want to see you turn into some kind of..."lost soul." CHRIS -- Well gosh Ma you make it sound like I'm going to start sending flowers to Jodie Foster or something. GLADYS -- Jodie Foster..Daryl Hanna. CHRIS -- Allright now, wait a second. I am not obsessed with Daryl Hanna. Okay? I just happen to believe that she may very well be one of the greatest American actresses since Lillian Gish. Look Mom Dad, Journalism it's in my blood I, I love the thrill of it, the excitement of it, the smell of it, the down and dirty stagnant ,stinking, stench of it all. Well, I can tell you two understand. Mother? Father? I'm off. FRED -- Look on the bright side Gladys. His boss says he's the best man for the job. POTTER'S BEDROOM CHRIS -- Larry? Larry? Larry? LARRY -- Ugh! Chris, what are you doing here? CHRIS -- Larry? I've come to rescue you from a grueling day at the office and take you out on a fun-filled adventure. LARRY -- Hey, what a great idea? Get out! CHRIS -- Larry? I'm doing this for you, pal. The rat race--it's eating you up alive, buddy. LARRY -- Chris, what do you know about the rat race? You're a paperboy? CHRIS -- Hey, I'm head paperboy, okay? I've got five guys under me, allright? and when things get tight I can do other jobs. Larry look, the point is, there's nothing more important in life than free time. LARRY -- Forget it. Listen, the last time we went on one of your little adventures we ran over a pig. CHRIS -- No, no Larry, that was an accident and it was not a pig it was a bag of garbage. LARRY -- It was a pig, a PIG! CHRIS -- Shhhh! SHARON -- Larry? Larry, are you, are you talking to me? CHRIS -- (affects a deep voice) Ah No ah I'm from the Water Company Ma'am. Ah, we ah released some mustard Sulfides into the water. And ah You know, now we're warning people not to bath otherwise, you know, they're gonna smell like mustard. SHARON -- How interesting. Larry, what is Chris Peterson doing here? LARRY -- He delivered our paper, honey. SHARON -- Well, he is not required to deliver it into my bedroom. CHRIS -- Well that isn't what you told the Domino's boy last week. SHARON -- AAagh! CHRIS -- It's a joke. What did I say? It's a joke. SHARON -- Peterson, you are such a brat. What are you doing here anyway? Shouldn't you be out selling seeds with the Boyscouts or something? CHRIS -- Oh ouch what a zinger! Ow, ow, ow what an incredibly sarcastic and right-to-the-heart comment about my life. Sharon you've opened my eyes, you've matured me instantly. Hey! you got a Nintendo! LARRY -- Yeah. The powerglove too. SHARON --Lawrence cannot play with you right now, Chris. Larry has a real job he's got to get ready for. Right Lawrence? CHRIS -- Oh sure I understand. (makes a whip crack sound) Hey listen ah, Sharon. I brought you something....ah....a little gift. This is the new "Victoria Secrect catalog"...ah I'm done with it but I went ahead and I circled some items in here that ah, well maybe you should take a look at, unless of course you are more comfortable with the "burlap bag look" and don't get me wrong. I really think it looks terrific on you but.....maybe you should. SHARON -- CHRIS!!!! CHRIS -- Yeah SHARON -- Let me just say this as precisely as I possibly can. CHRIS -- Okay. SHARON -- You're thirty years old. CHRIS -- Yes. SHARON -- You still live with your parents. You're losing your hair. And your stupid. Yee-uh. I think that about covers it. Now I'm going downstair to make some coffee-- FOR LARRY. CHRIS -- Larry, I love her. She's a dream. If you ever divorce her can you please let me know because I'd like to, LARRY -- Okay CHRIS -- you know, LARRY -- Yeah fine. CHRIS -- get in there if I could LARRY -- fine. Could you please tell me why you and Sharon have to fight all the time? CHRIS -- Gee I don't know. Maybe we're frustrated because we're secretly in love with each other but I doubt it Larry I really doubt it. Come on let's go. LARRY -- Forget it! I can't take the day off. Things are crazy down at Bushman and Simon. And ever since old man Simon got drunk and rode his horse into the Mall, we've been losing customers right and left. Now we're under the gun to come up with new clients or else. I can't just live like you and hang out with Wally and the Beav and bug Mr. Wilson. CHRIS -- Okay Larry but I just happen to have two tickets to the FunLand Amusement Park Larry. And well their unveiling today for the first time, the first three hundred and sixty degree super roller coaster in Minnesota, Larry. Larry it's the Hell Loop 2000. LARRY -- The Hell Loop 2000? I've heard about that. CHRIS -- Mmm Hmm LARRY -- No. Noway I can't just skip off on a whim whenever I want, I've got responsilbilities. It really does a complete loop? KIDS ENTER KIDS -- UNCLE CHRIS!! WRESTLEMANIA!!! CHRIS -- WRESTLEMANIA!! AMY -- Oh hi Daddy. I didn't even notice you were there. Bobby and I are going to play with your Powerglove. Okay? LARRY -- Ok fine. Okay Fine? What am I saying. No, it's not okay fine. This is my Nintendo Do you hear me Mine Mine MINE!!! AMY -- Gosh Dad, don't bust a blood vessel. LARRY -- Okay maybe I have been a litte tense lately, at least with he kids. CHRIS -- Larry, you're exactly the person they built the Hell Loop 2000 for. LARRY -- Chris, I can't go even if I wanted to. I can't get out of work on such short notice. CHRIS -- Okay. Leave that to me. I'll just call your work and pretend I'm you. LARRY -- Are you crazy? CHRIS -- Now relax. Listen, I'm a master at mimicry, I've got you down perfectly. Yeah. How ya doin? This is Lawrence T. Potter the third. Yeah, who you be? Lorraine? LARRY -- Oh CHRIS -- Yeah allright, well Lorraine you dig this. I gots a cold, see? And uh...and my uncle...he died. Yeah...So I gotsa go to the funeral y' dig? Yeah so I ain't gonna be draggin my sorry ol' butt in there today. Yeah, you pass that on. Allright baby, later for you. (hangs up) There it's done. LARRY -- You just got me fired you idiot. CHRIS -- Will you relax? Your voice is very gutteral and I think I captured that quality marvelously. You're a free man. Come on, let's go. LARRY -- I'm not going. Chris look, you'll always be my best friend but we're not children anymore and you can't manipulate me like the way you used to. CHRIS -- Okay I understand...you're chicken. LARRY -- Allright that's it. I'm in. Let's go. FUNLAND MONTAGE HELL LOOP 2000 (CHRIS and LARRY wooping it up) OPERATOR -- Hey, the ride's over fellas. CHRIS -- Oh well, we apoligize for our enthusiastic wooing sir, but as you can tell your ride brings us great joy. OPERATOR -- You've been on this thing five times. You gettin' off? CHRIS -- Just what the hell does that mean? You filth. LARRY -- Chris, he's asking if we're done. If we're getting off....the ride. CHRIS -- Oh, oh pardon me. I'm sorry. I, eh, thought that you thought that ... well Larry and I we're...(laughs) we're lovers or something. (laughs) OPERATOR -- Now why would I think and thing like that? CHRIS -- Well, two men on a roller coaster giggling like schoolgirls you could easily get the wrong impression, I guess. (CHRIS and LARRY giggle) Yeah right, we are going to go one more time. So ah....Let 'er rip. LARRY -- Actually Chris it's getting late, but you we're right about today. I fell a lot less tense. Thanks. CHRIS -- Well Larry the only way to thank me is to ride the loop one more time. C'mon one more time, one more time. LARRY -- Allright, allright one more time and that's it. CHRIS -- Allright, let 'er go. (CHRIS and LARRY woop it up again) OPERATOR -- Weenies. CHRIS -- Okay here we go here we go through the loop Here we come you bloody bastard!!! Uh Larry, are we moving throught he loop a lot slower this time? LARRY -- It's probably just a temporary malfunction. I bet we'll be moving in no more than two seconds. CHRIS -- I bet you're right. Larry, we're stuck. (CHRIS and LARRY scream) OPERATOR -- It's jammed. Oh no, I'll be back dippin' funnel cash in the deep fry by tomorrow.(?) We'll have you down in no time. Hold on to your pants! CHRIS -- Did he just ask us where we bought our pants at a time like this?--the Gap, you idiot, now get us down. LARRY -- Chris, today was supposed to be relaxing, it was supposed to be fun. Instead I'm stuck in a bad Irwin Allen movie with an aging Dennis the Menace. CHRIS -- Allright, just relax, okay? I know you're frightened Larry, but I promise you I'll get us out of this thing Okay? Just relax. (sings) There's got to be a morning after...ah ah. It's waiting right outside the door....ah ah ah. JUMP CUT CHRIS -- (sings to the tune of Billy Joel's horrid hit "We Didn't Start the Fire") Watergate was really bad, the movie Brian's Song was kind of sad, playing Pac-Man at the Mall, China under Marshal Law. Gobachev comes to town, Chris and Larry upside down. We didn't start the fire. It was always LARRY -- Shut up. CHRIS -- bur... LARRY -- I can't take it anymore. I'm gonna rip out your vocal chords and stuff 'em in you ear. CHRIS -- Oh ya getting a little cranky? LARRY -- Yes I'm getting cranky. We've been upside down for two hours already. CHRIS -- Yeah, and that kind of brings up an interesting point. I wonder how long it takes before all the blood rushes to your brain and you head explodes? LARRY -- Why is this taking so long? Don't they realize this thing could fall at any second? CHRIS -- Larry, don't be ridiculous this is a state-of-the-art roller coaster it's been tested, double tested and triple-tested. We're perfectly safe. OPERATOR -- Well, in retrospect what we should have done is tested this thing. Obviously that car could fall off the track any second now. We'll have to act fast. Henderson, call Thrillworld. Find out how they handle their dead. LARRY -- I just want to go home--home to my kids and my dear sweet wife. CHRIS -- "Dear sweet wife?" Ssh Hey pal, I don't know what you're smokin' over there but I think it's distorting your sense of reality. LARRY -- Shut up. You're such an idiot. CHRIS -- Yeah well, has it even occurred to you that I'm happy being an idiot, Mr...er...Nine-to-one? LARRY -- Chris it's nine-to-five not nine-to-one. CHRIS -- Wow! you really put in the hours there don't ya? LARRY -- Wait? What was that? Oh ho, we're gonna die up here, we're gonna die. CHRIS -- Oh..Don't say that, Larry. don't say that. We...allright listen......We need to keep our strength. Let's, let's eat. We need to ration what little food we have...here...Would you like some Doritos? Crunch all you want..we'll make more. (CHRIS opens a can of soda) That is so cool? REPAIRMAN-- All fixed. (CHRIS's soda ignites the control panel) It's screwed up again. You idiots! You morons! CHRIS -- Uh oh. LARRY -- What are they yelling at us? CHRIS -- Oh well, they're just shouting...you know...words of encouragement best wishes and so forth, that sort of thing.(laughs) (Roller coaster car behind them falls off the tracks to the ground) CHRIS -- Now, that's kinda odd. LARRY -- Chris, I must be hallucinating. I think I see an angel. CHRIS -- That's no angel Larry, that's Connie Bristol from WRXT TV. We're saved Larry, we're saved. LARRY -- Thank god. Wait a second, TV?....we can't...we're not going be on TV are we? CHRIS -- Well sure, we're kind of like those Whales that were stuck in the ice. CHRIS -- But what if somebody sees me? Everybody at work thinks I'm at a funeral? CHRIS -- Oh yeah. Well quick hide. LARRY -- Where the hell am I supposed to hide? CONNIE -- Would you two idiots please shut up, we're about to go on the air? Hello. I'm Connie Bristol reporting from FunLand Amusement Park and suspended upside down behind me are two very brave men whose lives may end at any moment. CONNIE -- Hi guys, you want to tell us your names? CHRIS -- Connie, do you think maybe we could do the interview down on the ground? CONNIE -- I asked your names? POTTER'S BEDROOM AMY -- Hey Mom look! Uncle Chris and Daddy on TV! COOL! CHRIS -- Well, I'm Chris Peterson and this is my friend Larry Potter. ROLLER COASTER CAR CONNIE -- Ladies and Gentlemen, It appears as though the roller coaster is about to tear off the track and plummet to the hard concrete below right now during my exclusive report. Well I guess not. And now let's go back to our studios where Dr. Charles Friedman will tell us how long a person can hang upside down before their head explodes. LARRY -- Connie wait, don't go. You can use your crain thing to get us down. CONNIE -- Sorry, reporters have to stay objective. We just can't get involved with our stories. Bye LARRY -- Come back. Come back. Come back you ratings ( ? ) whore. Slut! CHRIS -- Larry Larry, get a grip on yourself. Larry, I'm thinking clearer now than I've ever thought before in my life and you know what? It's so simple. All we have to do is unstrap ourself, get out of the car and climb down the track rung by rung, hand over hand. LARRY -- You're insane. That'll never work. Where's that slut....that WHORE! CHRIS -- Larry please listen, I wouldn't try this unless I was in peak physical condition but, you know if you don't feel you're up to it then just grab ahold of my love handles and I'll carry you down(CHRIS unstraps himself) AAaah! Help. Help. Larry?...Larry, I think I miscalculated. Larry ,we are going to die. LARRY -- Goodbye Chris. CHRIS -- Larry, I love you.....not...you know, in a strange way...more like a brother.....althought you know at this point why should we rule anything out. Goodbye my friend, goodbye. LARRY -- Wait, Chris we're moving, we're moving don't let go. CHRIS -- Oh. Praise the lord, praise the lord. Here we go...through the loop, through the loop. Woop woop etc. CHRIS -- It's fixed. One more time....one more time. OPERATOR -- Get outta there you weiners! CHRIS -- That's odd. Larry -- I'm dead. There's my boss Mr. Simon. CHRIS -- Okay don't worry he's just here with his kid., he didn't see us let's go this way Larry. CHRIS -- (seeing Sharon) 'Kay that's not going to be good either. MR. SIMON -- What are you doing here? I thought you had a cold and a had a funeral to go to today? LARRY -- Oh well yes sir, ah after the funeral I came here to....the amusement part to ah....to buy some Dristan. MR. SIMON -- Uh uh? Potter you're fired. CHRIS -- (with southern accent) Now hold on just a dog-gone second here... MR. SIMON -- Who's this jerk? CHRIS -- Well I am a Southern multibillionare and ya see, this fella here was just tryin' to convince me to bring my little company to your accounting firm and .... MR. SIMON -- Oww shut up. What do you take me for, an imbecile? CHRIS -- Well actually yes sir, I do take you for an imbecile. I'm sorry, but that's just a problem I'm going to have to work out on my own. But if I could just have a second of your time. Everybody? listen up here. Connie? Come over here I want you to hear this too. My friend, Larry Potter has just been fired...by this man. But I suggest to all of you that perhaps he deserves a second chance? Who among us hasn't been given a second chance just once in there miserable lives. Well I know someone who was given a second chance....a... overworked president of a mojor accounting firm who had a little too much Jim Beam one night and decided to take a joyride through J.C. Penneys on Mr. Ed. It took several months but eventually we all stopped snickering behind his back. And so if we can forgive the lovable town lush, can't we forgive one of his underlings? who afterall was merely trying to relieve some of the incredible pressure in his life so that tomorrow he could do his job that much better? (Crys and hungs LARRY) (Crowd cheers) MR. SIMON -- Potter? Potter? If...you ever pull a stunt like that again...you'll be out like yesterday's garbage. I'll see you in the morning. (Crowd applauds) CHRIS -- Well Larry, all in all kind of a...fun day, huh? SHARON -- Oh boys? LARRY -- Oh no.. She's really mad I can tell. I'm dead. CHRIS -- Allright, allright, don't worry Larry, I know just how to sweet-talk Sharon. You leave this to me. Sharon? Hi howareya? Hey listen um... just a little constructive criticism.... maybe before you leave the house in the morning you should try...dabbin' on a little make-up, maybe that would help. SHARON -- Chris. CHRIS -- Yeah. SHARON -- Do you realize I'm in a position to thrust my knee up with great passion and velocity. CHRIS -- Let me get this straight Sharon, you're coming on to me with your husband standing right there? SHARON -- Come along home now Lawrence. We have a busy evening ahead of us. LARRY -- Yes dear. If you don't hear from me in a couple of days call Robest Stack over at "Unsolved Mysteries." CHRIS -- Yeah sure. (makes whipcrack sound) Hey great there's still no line for this thing. Okay one more time chief through the loops. PETERSON KITCHEN PORTION MISSING GLADYS -- Clap off the lights before you leave will you son? FRED -- Gladys I was reading aninteresting artcle on chromosome damage. (CHRIS claps off lights) CHRIS -- That is so cool! THE END