GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- THE COUNTERFEIT WATCH STORY 12. 02/03/91 "THE COUNTERFEIT WATCH STORY" (90312) Writer: Adam Resnick / Director: David Mirkin Chris saves up to buy a $100 Chrono-Sync 2000 underwater watch, but it falls apart the very first time in the shower. He then becomes part of a sting operation in an attempt to catch the crooks who are responsible. [end: Chris gets shot in the head by a cop] Richardson ........ Kevin Scannell Tom ............... Richard Foronjy Vic ............... Duke Moosekian Salesman .......... Bradley Mott Owens ............. Charles Walker Chris --What's the first line to Octapus's Garden? Isn't it something like "Hey little Octapus. Deep in the ocean. You have a pretty garden. Can I borrow some lotion? Something like that? Fred -- That's close enough. I think that's how they sang it in Beatlemania. Chris -- Well, it doesn't matter. It's all part of my on-going curiosity and fascination with marine life and oceanography. hmm hmm GLADYS -- What brought up your sudden interest in that subject dear? Have you been spending time at the libruary? Chris --No. of course not maw. It's just that they've been rerunning "Sea Hunt" on cable recently Fred --I always thought that "Sea Hunt" was a show for morons. Chris -- Well, today's the big day--I finally have enough money to buy a Mr. Underwater watch. Fred -- Why do you want one of those? You can barely swim. GLADYS -- And you're afraid of the water. Chris -- Don't you people understand. The ocean is a...state of mind. One doesn't have to be in it to appreciate it. From the time we first crawled out of the blue salt water as monkeys to the time we harnessed it's power on surfboards--man has always strived to become one with the ocean. Besides I just think it would be kinda neat to have a watch I can wear into the shower. I better get going. The Transister Hut opens at ten and after my experience with the Menudo tickets last week, heh, I know how things sell out early. Fred -- Can we try and start sleeping in in the morning so we miss him altogether? TRANSISTER HUT Little girl -- Sir why can't I exchange this watch for one that works. Vic -- Look kid I can't exchange any item that was obviously abused by the customer. Little Girl -- But I just gave it to my mom this morning for her birthday and it broke when she tried to wind it. He's my reciept. VIC -- Look honey, I don't care it you wave the Magna Carta in my face. I have a policy against loitering. Tell your old lady I said Happy Birthday! Chris -- Um Excuse me sir, could you tell me why that little girl just left you store in tears? VIC -- She just remember that her dog had to have an operation. Chris --(crying) Is he gonna be okay? Vic -- Oh It's probably just a minor tonsilectemy. Chris -- That's a relief. VIC -- What can we do for you today? Chris -- Well ah according to your ad here you have a Mr. Underwater watch for sale and I would very much like to purchase that watch. Now before you give me one of your little tap dance bait and switch speeches let me just tell you right now I want this watch and this watch only. My mind is made up. This is the watch I want. I won't take any substitutes That's it. Take it or leave it. Love me or leave me. That's it. Poor Pip. Bye Bye Miss American Pie. VIC -- Fine. I'll sell you the watch. It's a piece of junk. Chris -- Really.Well what else do you have? Vic -- I got just the watch for you. By the way my name's Vic. I own this place. Chris -- Oh hello Vic I'm Chris Peterson and I'd just like to say it's a relief that you're waiting on me instead of some slick salesclerk who might rip me off. Fat Guy -- (Snort) Chris -- I'm sorry is there a problem Sir? FAT GUy -- No it's just a little congestion. VIC -- Chris? Chris -- ya VIC -- Can I call you Chris? Chris -- Please. VIC -- I'm about to show you something very special. You know why? Cause I can tell by your face that your the kinda guy that appreciates quality. Now what I'm about to show Chris might overwhelm you at first but I want you to keep in mind that your seeing the finest timepiece made in the world--a Chronasync. Chris -- Wow! a Chron....a Chronasync. Yea. Vic -- Not just a Chronasync. That's a Chronasync 2000. That is the Cadillac of underwater watches. Chris -- Hmm VIC -- Go ahead try it on. Chris -- Boy! oh Oh oh heeah It's so gay and colorful looking....But is it rugged. Vic -- Yeah sure it's ah... gay and rugged. In fact that is the slogan that they're going use in their advertising. Fat Guy -- (Snort) Chris -- I'm sorry can I get you a lozenge or something? Fat Guy -- No, I'm fine. Chris -- Um. Now it's stopped ticking. Now is that a bad sign? Vic -- It's known as a tap watch. You just tap it now and then to get it started and that keeps it from burning itself out by running constantly. Chris -- What a novel idea. (laughs) Boy. Well, now my major consideration--el priceroonie. I don't know that I can afford a Chronasync. Vic --I'm not gonna lie to ya Chris. Like I told you before this watch ain't a toy--it's a Cadillac. What d'I just say Chris? Chris --This watch ain't a toy--it's a Cadillac. VIC --That's right. You know who wears a watch like that? Neil Armstrong. You know who also wears a watch like that is the guy on the news that eh got beat up that time what's his name?? Fat Guy -- Rather. VIC -- Rather. Dan Rather. He wears watch like that. Pretty good company? Chris -- Yeeahsh Vic -- Chris, the bottom line is it's a hundred bucks. Now that's fifty bucks more than the piece of junk you wanted originally but we've got a saying around here "If you want a piece of junk, ya go to a junkyard. Chris -- You know that's really quite beautiful. Hmm I'm really not sure I wanna rush into something though I...... Vic -- Did I also mention that that is the last one. I've got another customer coming in in alittle while to see it if you.... Chris -- Okay it's sold. Vic -- The total is $118. Chris -- O.K. And there's $118 on the nose. Kyow Great. Well that's interesting I didn't realize sales tax was eighteen percent. VIC -- Well why do you think the governor lives in a mansion? Fat Guy -- (Snorts) CHris -- You know I don't think that was him this time. I think that was the air conditioning. Chris -- Thank you. CHRIS'S ROOM (Knocking) Chris -- Maw. Dad. You're early, you weren't supposed to get here till three. Fred -- It's after three. Chris -- Oh yeah. heh. My watch was resting again. Isn't that neat Dad? a watch that periodically shuts itself down so it won't overheat. Fred -- Ahh Look out, That may be giving off radiation. Gladys -- Honey, are you sure they didn't sell you a bad watch? Chris -- Maw please, this is a Chronosync. It's the Cadillac of watches. Fred -- Are you sure it's not the Dodge Dart of watches? Chris -- Very funny. Now if we're all done with our little witty jabs, let us now get on with the business at hand--christening my new Mr. Underwater watch. Let it now be written that on this day at 3:05 p.m. Fred -- It's 3:15 Chris -- at 3:15 p.m. Chris Peterson entered his shower for the first time wearing a water resistent timepiece strapped to his wrist. For time has always been of great importance to man going back to the fabled sun dial when man first thought that perhaps he should Fred -- Oh get on with it. Chris! I'm missing "Wheel of Fortune" for this! Chris -- Okay okay. Mom. Dad. Here I go.Deedeeeedee dee de deee deedeldeedeldee etc. Gladys -- This is more exciting than when we drove out to Snake River Canyon for that Evel Knievel thing. Fred -- (grunt) Chris -- (yelping from the bathroom) Oh, Look, look. It's ruined. It's ruined. Gladys -- It's starting to dissolve like a sliver of soap. Chris -- But that's impossible. It's a Chronosync--gay yet rugged--water resistent up to a thousand feet and it cost...it cost.... (sees 100$ Bill flying away) Oh god....oh God. Mom Dad. I don't want to shock you with horrifying news...but you're little Chrissy has been ripped off!!! Fred -- Yeah, I think that just came in over the news service. Chris -- Well, no one takes advantage of yours truly and gets away with it. I'm going back to that den of thieves and I'm getting every cent of my money back.....probably.....Can I have a little privacy please. Jeeze.....Excuse me...mm hm. TRANSISTOR HUT. CHRIS -- Okay you thieving pirates. Drop your clocks and grab you socks cause I'm back to settle a score! Fat Guy -- You wanna shut the door guy? You're letting out all the heat Chris -- Oh sorry. Chris -- I wanna talk to Vic, and I wanna talk to Vic NOW. Fat Guy -- He ain't here. Chris -- Okay fine, since your huckster boss isn't around, perhaps you'd like to explain THIS to me. hmm? Explain to me why this, the Cadillac of underwater watches, was ruined by a simple three second escapade in my shower. deeyash. Look, here's my receipt I want my money back now. Hop to it. Fat Guy -- Kid. The Pope will open his own carwash before I give you your money back. Tell ya what I'm gonna do just so there's no hard feelings. I'm gonna give you this light up duck cap for free. Chris -- As Humphrey Bogart said in the African Queen "You can't buy my silence with a stinking light up duck hat." I want my money back and I want it back now. Fat Guy -- Forget it! Chris -- O.K Fine. I wasn't gonna do this but you've left me no choice. At this point I shall drop my pants in protest of the shoddy buisness practices of this store and I shall not repant myself until all my money has been cheerfully refunded. Fat Guy -- Hey hey hey Put your pants back on. This ain't New Orleans. Chris -- Sorry pal. Get used to it. This is called making a scene. "I want my money back." "I hate this store." "I hate this store." "I want my money back." Fat Guy -- KNOCK IT OFF YA CREEP! Chris --"I hate this store." "I hate this store." Cop -- What the hell's going on here. Chris -- Officer arrest this lunatic. He's a disgrace to the profession of retail electronics. Cop -- Alright pal, let's go. Chris -- Hey, wait a second, you can't arrest me. I'm staging a protest here like Ghandi used to do. Cop -- Ghandi kept his pants on. Chris -- Actually he wore a Dohti which is the traditionally Indian garb and he often wore etc. ( fade) POLICE STATION Cop#1-- Mr. Peterson, once again, why were you dancing around in an electronics store in your underwear? Chris -- Listen officer smart-ass. I don't drop my pants at the drop of a hat. I have to be pushed pretty far before I make a profound statement like that. Cop#2 -- Look sweetheart. You want to take a couple of deep breaths and then slowly explain to us just what the hell you're talking about? You want a drink or something? Chris -- Oh yes, that would be lovely, you're a dear. I would like ah a little iced cappaccino, and ah maybe a peach danish, and ah perhaps a little pepito sauce just on the side would be lovely. Cop#2 -- Get the jerk a cup of water. Chris -- Okay here is the story in a clam shell. Boy saves up for underwater watch. Boy buys underwater watch. Boy takes underwater watch into the shower. Boy screams like a girl when the watch is ruined. Cop#2-- Boy's starting to get on detectives nerves! Chris -- Please. (drinks) ah. Store refuses to refund boy's money. Boy takes off his pants. Boy is arrested by goon squad. The end sleep tight pleasant dreams (kisses officer's head) Cop#2 -- Mr. Peterson can we be eh, perfectly blunt with you? Chris -- Oh please...blunt away. Cop#1 -- The establishment you dropped your pants in Mr. Peterson, has been under surveillence for some time now. We know they've been selling counterfeit merchandise. Cop#2 -- Everything from Chrono-sync watches to Maine Lobsters. CHRIS -- Counterfeit seafood?!! Why those unscrupulous bastards. Cop#2 -- The store itself is small potatoes. What were really after is their supplier. Chris -- The big potato? Cop# 2 -- Right. Unfortunately he rarely shows his face unless he's making a big delivery. Now if we had the proper bait I think we could catch him, but so far he's managed to elude us. Chris -- That's a bummer. whooosh. aaehh. (Chris sits making duckish noises Cops look at each other) COP#2 -- Hey wait a minute, are you thinking what I'm thinking? he's perfect. No one would suspect someone as goofy looking as him. Cop#1 -- No we can't. It's too dangerous the kid could get killed. Cop#2 -- Oww sure. I mean, there's an outside chance but I don't think that the world would stop spinning. Cop#1 -- But the outside chance is just too much..... Chris -- (interrupting) Hey woah Excuse me! I'm still here you know. Jeese. Cop#2 -- Mr. Peterson? How'd you like to be part of an undercover sting operation? Chris -- Are you kidding? Yeah Sure Great. I'll do anything to catch those scoundrels that took me for a ride. I'm in boys! Consider me your bait. I'm like a piece of cheese waiting in the trap for Monsieur Mouse to come and partake of my rich smokey flavor. Cop#1 -- We're looking at a dead man. Chris -- (on the phone to vic) Chris -- Hello Transistor Hut? Vic? Hi, Chris Peterson. (laughs) Where were you this afternoon? (laughs) Oh, so your heard about my little indescretion today huh? Sorry about that Vic--two words--sugar rush. (laughs) Yeah, I just had two candy bars and a chocolate cover peanut. (laughs) Yeah, Vic I'm really sorry I love the watch. In fact it's working perfectly now. And you know what ? I've decided to buy three thousand more for all my newspapers boys. But cha know what I'm gonna have to insist on delivery to my home because (coughs) right now (coughs) I'm nursing the grippe (coughs coughs) and I can't go outside. ..Oh you'd have to go through YOUR SUPPLIER for an order that large hmm? ( Chris mouths "The BIG POTATO" to the cops) Well, bring him along.. yeah...great the more the merrier. (laughs) Okay I-love-you-byebye. (Chris goes back to making duck noises) CHRIS'S ROOM Cop#2 -- Okay, we're all set. Now, Mr. Peterson listen very carefully. The wiring we've done up here in your little tree house is very precise and very delicate. That's the camera right over there. Now whatever you do don't touch or move anything. You got that? Chris -- (crying) But what if I have to go to the bathroom? Cop#2 -- I wasn't talking about the bathroom. Chris -- That's a relief, heh, cause I have a bladder like a hamster (laughs) Cop#2 -- Okay guys let's move out. Good luck Mr. Peterson. Chris -- (sighs) Thank you Cop#2 -- Remember this is a very dangerous operation. The last thing we need is another dead civilian on our hands. Chris -- yeah yeah So, do I have enough time to run to the Seven eleven to get a Pepperment Patty? Cop#2 -- NO! Just stay put and get ready! Chris -- O.k. Jeeze he's like a little snapping turtle. (Chris notices the surveillence cable on the floor) Chris -- (sarcastically) Oh great, the professionals. (laughs) There's a little thing called electrical fires boys, guess they didn't teach you about that one. Stupid, flatfooted, fuzz, pigs with their fat ugly wives that they try to make love to unsuccessfully every night after they come home from an evening with their prostitute girlfriends and a day of collecting graft and beating up old lady jaywalkers. They've jus.... COP#2 -- Mr. Peterson? Chris -- Yes. Cop#2 -- We can hear everything you're saying. Chris -- Oh. Oh. heh heh. Well I was just reading from today's Family Circus comic out loud. (Knocks) Chris -- Oh. Heyah. Ok..ok. This is it...this is it. Let's get it on. (Chris opens door. Vic and the "Big Potato" enter.) Chris -- Hi guys welcome to my sting. I mean my stink. I mean my.... my stinkiing room. Hey Vic we're getting to be old chums aren't we? Vic -- Let's not push it. Here's your pants. Chris -- Ooh Thank you. Merci. Who's your little friend Vic? Vic -- Uh..this is uh...Tom. Tom -- Howya doin'? Chris -- Well howya doin' Tom? (heh heh.) Tom? as in uh, as in Tommy? Ah, as is the Pinball Wizard? (Laughs heartily) Tom -- You got the money or not? I'm a busy man. Chris -- Yeah, I got the money. You got the watches? Tom -- I got the watches. But first I gotta see the cash. Chris -- Oh I see so it's one of those "I'll show you mind if you show me yours first" things huh? Vic -- Would you cut the crap? Can we get some business here or not? Chris -- Okay. Alright I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cooled with it daddy-o. Huhoeokay everyone's cool, cool-oh. Cop#2 -- I am gonna kill him! ( speaks thru one of those talking gizmos) "Give him the money,you moron!" Chris -- Don't call me a moron. Tom -- What is it with this guy? He's starting to make me nervous. Hey, he's not some kind of psycho, is he? Vic -- What's in your ear there cowboy? Chris -- Oh, uh, heh heh. I see you've noticed my uh, hearing aid slash ah, radio slash ah, sports annoucing thing, slash.( Heh heh.) "uh oh, uh. Cassiaus Clay's out. uh He's been K.O.'ed by Arnold Palmer in the fourth quarter." (Chris snickers in front of the camera to the cops.) Cop#2 -- You dumbass. Chris -- What? (mouths words) Cop#2 -- Get away from there!! Chris -- Oh. Okay. Alright. As Sir Monte Hall used to say "Let us now make a deal, squires." (Fred and Gladys enter) Gladys -- Hi honey, look what I made, some fudge. Chris -- Oh hi maw...great fudge. (laughs) Who wants fudge? (laughs) Cop#2-- I"M GONNA STRANGLE HIM. Fred -- Aren't you eh, going to introduce us to your eh, sleazy looking friends? Chris -- Sure dad, this is Tom and Vic. We're doing alittle business together. Gladys -- How cute. Are you two paperboys? Vic -- No ma'am. Fred -- That's one hell of a leather jacket. You may think it's classy but it makes you look cheap, boy. Cop#2 -- Get them the hell out of there, NOW! Chris -- Oh, okay, thanks for the fashion review, dad I've just been told it's time to get you the hell out of here, so thank you for stopping by-- off you go-- ok watch the steps--see you at breakfast--bye bye. Tom -- Look kid, you've got about 30 seconds to make this deal or I'm outta here. Chris -- Ok. okay. Let's do it. Come on over Tom. Why don't you sit right there on the sofa? and Vic you come on over here. And you have a seat right next to your buddy Tom. And make yourself comfortable and just for me Vic, why don't you just position your body that way? that'd be great. Right .stick that.....Ok and Tom you're right there. Here we go, I've got the money. Alright now. Let's see here's MY money. (laughs) Now let's look at all those watches, huh? (laughs) Wow! Look at all these watches that I just paid for. (laughs) Cop#2 -- Move you jerk. You're blocking the camera. Chris -- What? Cop#2 -- Get your butt outta the camera we missed EVERYTHING! Chris -- Oh oh ooh Jeeze oh oh Ahh umm Hey Tom? huh. You know what would be a fun idea? Huh. Why don't I just give you this money back and then you give me the watches back? (laughs) We can pretend it kind of like an instant replay? Kinda like a little skit? Tom -- What the hell is this? Vic -- Woah woah woah. Wait a minute here. Chris -- Wheh wha wha wha.... (They tear open Chris's shirt revealing the police microphone) Chris -- Alright guys before you jump to conclusions. I have to wear a concealed police microphone for medical reasons. Tom -- Hey, check this out. I don't believe this. The dork.. he set us up! Vic -- Alright wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. whe We're in the clear here he's got the cash we're not holding anything. The merchandise is safe in here, they can't open it without a warrent. Tom -- Man. You know the law John-John. Chris -- Hey I've got a funny idea. C'mon down here ta...why don't you guys just take this money back just for the hell of it. Go ahead take it back and I'll take this back. C'mon now wouldn't that just simply be daffy if we did that? oh (Chris sobs) Vic -- (to the camera) Bye Bye Boys! Chris -- NNooooo! (In slow motion Chris yanks the survelillence cord and trips up the bad guys and spilling the briefcase full of Chrono-sync watches.) Chris -- Hey I didn't know those came in all those colors!! Cop#2 -- Okay scumbags! up against the wall. Let's go move it! Move! (Chris goes up against the wall) Cop#1 -- Put your hands up. Cop#2 -- Not you Peterson! the other scumbags! Vic -- What's the hassle man, we didn't do anything. Cop#2 -- What do you call these? Party favors? And most importantly we've got you for destroying a police camera. For that alone you're lookin' at 60 years pal. Chris -- The good news is that I think it's just scratched. I don't think it's really broken. Cop#2 -- Shut Up! Okay men...time to take out the garbage. Chris -- Wheew...huh..Well Mr. Scream-in-my-ear-all-night. (laughs) It was alittle touch-and-go for a bit but uh, thanks to my patented little trip-trap here we managed to capture a couple of bad apples tonight. heh...Well even though my methods were alittle unconventional and may have rattled you at times, I think you'll have to agreed that in the end they were quite effective. But cha' know I want to commend you on your professionalism because I for one feel safer at night knowing that men like you are out there to protect men like me. (Cop#2 shoots Chris with his pistol) Chris --"ooww!" (offscreen) *