GET A LIFE SCRIPT -- THE BIG CITY


 19. 04/21/91  "THE BIG CITY"
 Writer: Marjorie Gross / Director: Peter Baldwin

 Chris decides to finally visit the big city, but upon arriving somebody
 slips him a mickey and his wallet is missing.  When a newspaper reporter
 hears the story, her article dubs Chris "Walletboy" and he becomes the
 darling of the city.  Everything crumbles when it is discovered that he
 actually just left the wallet at home.

    May Evans ......... Anastasia Barzee
    Officer O'Meara ... Gerry Gibson
    J.D. Windell ...... John T. Olson
    Room Service Guy .. Robin Michael Cahall
    Lady of the Night . D.F. Horner
    Mayor ............. Art Kassul
    Shell Guy ......... Eric Kohner
    Fedora Guy ........ Adam Stone



(KITCHEN)

CHRIS-- Oh. What? Oh, oh. Hello Queen Elizabeth. Hey, you look very regal
today. Hey, why did you just throw that brick at that construction worker?
After all you gotta expect some cat calls when you shake it down the street
like that.
FRED -- Even in his sleep he embarasses us.
GLADYS -- Shh. Fred, you know it's dangerous to wake him when he's
sleepwalking.
FRED -- I love talking that chance. (drops a plate) 
CHRIS -- Oh oh. Hi Ma. Hi Dad. 
FRED -- Oh damn. It wasn't as good as last time when we had to pry him down
off the chandelier. 
CHRIS -- Well I uh. I have no idea how I got here or why but ah, who cares.
(laughs) I guess I should blurt out the reason I'm as giddy as a squirrel in
a convenience store. (laughs) I've finally saved up enough money for my big
trip to the big city.
FRED -- What? Are you crazy, boy? The big city will chew you up and spit you
out like a wad of horsemeat.
GLADYS -- Yes, it's horrible there. All the people just bustle right past you
and the ladies are painted up like dimestore hussies.  
FRED -- Ah, you won't be there more than five minutes before you'll get
suckered into a game of chance and somebody'll slip you a mickey.  
CHRIS -- Oh right Dad, "Everything's bad in the city but everything's perfect
here in the suburbs." Right? Oh yeah, nothing ever goes wrong here, we never
grow old and die in the suburbs. Nobody ever burns their tongue on a bowl of
pea soup and everbody has pizza ovens. It's aways just a Pleasant Valley
Sunday here in status symbol land. 
FRED -- Gladys can we at least use a stun-gun on him?   
CHRIS -- Look, Ma, Dad, you've, you've kept me hidden away for too
long--under your skirt and in your pants. It's time for me to go off and
sample life to it's fullest, to, to eat of the fruited loins of our
forefathers.  Well, I better get going. I have a ticket on the five o one
sonic bullet train so. Jeeze, the big city, I can't wait.  Huh. The Effel
Tower,  the, the Acropolis, the Leaning Tower, the Aztec Ruins. 
FRED -- Chris, none of those things are there. 
CHRIS --  I never thought I'd see the day. Huh. You're blatantly lyingto me
so that I'll stay here. Jeeze, what do you take me for, a moron?  Boy. How do
you get this section of the wall to open? 
FRED -- Turn the knob.
CHRIS -- Oh, oh (laughs) what will they think of next? 

THE BIG CITY GATES

CHRIS -- Wow. Oh boy. It's even more modern and high-tech than I imagined.
Wow. Oh. Ooooh. Wow. 
PASSERBY -- Watch it 
CHRIS -- Hey, I didn't hear an excuse me
LADY OF THE NIGHT -- Big fella you looking for a good time?
CHRIS -- No I just want to stand here all day and get jossled until by
shoulder separates.  
LADY OF THE NIGHT -- Oooh a toughguy huh? I think I can handle that. 
CHRIS -- Wait a second, oh my gosh, you're one of those filthy lice-ridden
prostitutes aren't you. Jeeze, you know what? I gotta get a picture of you
for my mom. Do you mind? (laughs) Smile. Great. (laughs) Thanks a lot. Oh now
I have to wash up, do you have a wet-knap on you preferably one that's
unscented cause I have allergies and it's really..... 
SHELL GUY --  Hey, four eyes. 
CHRIS -- Yes.
SHELL GUY -- Watch the dog. Keep your eye on the dog. Dog's in the Doghouse.
Which house is the dog in?
CHRIS -- I'm, I'm sorry have, have you lost your dog? Was it's name Poofie? 
SHELL GUY -- Put the twenty dollars down. The pea in the shells. 
CHRIS -- Well, okay, twenty dollars sounds like a lot of money for three
shells and a pea but then again I am ada___(?)  So,rhere ya go. 
SHELL GUY Well. Done for the day. 
CHRIS -- Hmm. ugh. Jeeze I'm full. Better save this for later.
FEDORA GUY -- Hey stick-legs with a fat gut.
CHRIS -- Yes, that's me. 
FEDORA GUY -- I saw you stuffin' your mug. How about a nice cold tall one to
wash it down. 
CHRIS -- Oh, sure, great. Thank you very much. (laughs) Uh. Wait a second,
this wouldn't by any chance be a mickey would it?
FEDORA GUY -- Yeah right, I'd just come up and give you a mickey on the
street. Look, if you don't want it there's a swell guy over there who looks
thirsty.
CHRIS -- No no no. I'll take it. I'll take it. Sure sure thanks. Gee what a
friendly town. Mmm Mmm Mmm That's delicious. It kinda tastes like rootbeer,
except more mediciny. Thank you very much.  (Chris passes out) 

LATER 

Officer O'Meara --C'mon. Hey son. Come on get up outta there, now.  Come on.
Go get yourself a cup of coffee and a bowl of stew down at St. Mary's. Come
on. 
CHRIS -- Don't sit on me. You're fat. You'll squash me.
OFFICER -- What is this, now? Accute paranoia? I think somebody slipped you a
mickey. 
CHRIS -- No, that's impossible. I specifically asked about that. 
OFFICER --  Now listen son, I've been walking this beat for the last
twenty-five years. I know a mickey victim when I see one, and you, sonny boy,
have been had, and my the best in the business--Barney "the mickey" Sullivan.
Slips him a mickey, makes off with their wallets like he was pulling panties
off a Groundhog,
CHRIS -- Well no, my wallet just happens to be....happens not to be in
there..or in. It's gone. My wallet's gone. Help, police! 
MAY EVANS -- Well, top on the morning to you Officer O'Meara. Anything going
on here that'll put me on the map?
OFFICER -- Well, the saints be praised, if it isn't May Evans the reporter
from the Evening Star. 
CHRIS --  Okay, allright I have to keep my wits about me, that's what I have
to do. Ah, Let me just retrace my steps, now. Now, I was standing here and
the I passed out over here....or was it over here.  Ohh oh what am I gonna do
this? I can't do this. This is like trying to find a needle in a haystack.
Ugh. I'm like a rat caught in a maze.
MAY -- Say I smell a story.
OFFICER -- Not at all, just another kid who lost his wallet.
CHRIS -- Correction--a big fat wallet stuffed with all my mad money and my
little thimble puppets named " Patina" and "Scapini." 
OFFICER -- Now listen son, a lost wallet might be big news out in the boonies
, but here in the big city--that story's as common as a body on the trolley
tracks. 
MAY -- And that's exactly what's wrong with this big lunk of town: apathy,
cynicism, scepticism, Well, I'm gonna put a stop to that, me May Evans.
OFFICER -- Look! It's Jimmy "Sticky Fingers" Sypes. I've been after him for
three weeks. He's got my Lucky Charms. 
MAY -- So what's your name, Small Ears?
CHRIS -- Peterson. Chris Peterson But I can't prove it because my wallets
gone. But I think my ID picture looks something like this. 
MAY -- Boy, I'm gonna put you on the front page. I can see it now...."Small
Town Boy's Wallet Stolen: City Hangs It's Head In Shame" 
CHRIS -- Wow!

HEADLINE MONTAGE
"Hicktown Boy Loses Wallet Visiting City"
" 'What Is Happening To Our Town?' Says Mayor." 
"City Opens Arms To Walletboy"
"Anonymous Millionaire Gives Walletboy Free Hotel Suite"
"City Loves Walletboy"

HOTEL SUITE

ROOM SERVICE GUY -- Monsieur Walletboy? Here is your unbaked pizza with no
toppings sauce or cheese. 
MAY -- Why did you order it like that?
CHRIS -- Because I can.
MAY -- This is incredible. I knew this story would be big, but never this
big. Oh, the city hasn't been this excited since the Siamese Pinheads came to
the Bonham Museum.
KID -- Walletboy! Walletboy! Can I have your autograph.
CHRIS -- Oh, sure kid. What's you name. 
KID -- Kyle.
CHRIS -- Okay, To Kyle...K....um, why don't we just make it for "the kid" I'm
sorry, I have problems with those foreign names. There ya go.
MAY -- Walletboy. The mayor's outside. He wants to give you the key to the
city. 
CHRIS -- Well, I'm not sure if I'm ready to exchange keys yet, I mean we've
only been dating a week. (laughs)
MAYOR -- Walletboy, as mayor of our fair city....
CHRIS -- Uh, excuse me actually it's called "the Big City" ...Jeeze...and
he's the mayor? This town's in big trouble.
MAYOR -- ...In recognition of your accomplishments of the last twenty-four
hours, I would like to present you with the key to the city. 
CHRIS -- Oh, oh, that's, that's very nice um, I have to soak for about
another five minutes, would you be a flower drum song and just run into the
bedroom, put it on the nightstand for me?

J. D. WINDELL -- Walletboy? J. D. Windell. (laughs) Listen ah, we'd like to
sign you up to an exclusive merchandising deal--you know Walletboy dolls,
watches, rat poison--the works, all printed with your catchphrase "I've lost
my wallet." 
CHRIS -- Wow! Jeeze, everything is happening so fast to me. I'm sorry you're
gonna have to give me a little time to think this over, I'm sorry.  Okay,
where do I sign?
J. D. -- Right here. It's the usually ah, 98/2 split..same deal the Beatles
got.
CHRIS -- Oh yeah, and their rich aren't they? Boy. Wow, this is all so
wonderful. I can't believe it.  You know, my parents were completely wrong. I
mean the big city isn't cruel and nasty.  I want you all to know that I shall
never change. I shall aways be the, the simple Walletboy that you've all
grown to, to love and to worship.  Who the hell sneezed?!! All right that's
it! Everybody, get the hell out! Out! Out! Get the hell out. Jeeze, you're
all disgusting infested sycophants. Get out.. you too. Out! Eeew! Got your
infested spores all over me. Who knows where the hell you've been?

MAY --  Look at all these invitations? We've got the Governer's Other Ball,
the Embassador's Reception, the District Attorney's Sadie Hawkins Dance,
Sanitation Commissioner's Catillion, the Department of Water and Power's....
 
CHRIS -- Wait, wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry, I, I don't want to dissapoint the
Sanitation Commission or anything but ah, they're just going to have to party
without this bearded lady because I am putting my big rump right here on this
Sealy Posturephonic and going into a Pay-Per-View Haze.
MAY -- Oh sure. And while you sit up here letting your feet go soft another
kid's out there who's lost his bike, so then he becomes Bike-Boy and you're
back in Hicksville tossing fishwrapping for peanuts. 
CHRIS -- Jeeze, I never thought of it that way. I guess this being a loveable
victim business is more cut throat that I thought. Well I'm not going to take
any chances. (opens window)
Boy everybody! I'm the most pathetic deserving rube in this whole big city,
and I'm gonna prove it.

DANCING ON THE TOWN MONTAGE

RESTAURANT

CHRIS -- Here's to you. (they toast) 
GANGSTER -- Hey Walletboy. Think you're such a bigshot? I got a little
message for you from the underworld. (pulls a gun)
CHRIS -- Ahh. (the gun drops a flag saying "We Love Walletboy.") 
Uh oh, "We love Walletboy" Ahh It was a joke. (all laugh) Oh my. (laugh) Oh,
you had me going. (Chris hugs gangsters)

TAXI CAB

CHRIS -- Jeeze, I can't believe we danced all through the night until the sun
rose and poked it's yellow manliness through the clouds.
MAY -- There's the Metropolitan State Building, it's fifty stories tall....
CHRIS  -- (interrupting her) Yeah, yeah, You know I, I heard that if you drop
a penny off the top floor there, it could bore a hole through a pedestrian's
head and go all the way through him and come out his toe.  I bet a quarter
would probably kill 'em. 
MAY -- There are the Aztec Ruins.
CHRIS -- See I knew it...Jeeze
MAY -- You know you're kinda cute for a sensational
headline-grabbin'-circulation-boostin' freak.
CHRIS --Jeeze. I, I don't know whether to thank you or call you a cold
heartless bitch. 
MAY -- Why don't we just split the difference?
(They kiss)
MAY -- Oh Chris I'm sorry. I mean you're swell and all but I don't know if
it's you I love or the phenomena called Walletboy.
CHRIS -- Who cares, let's just make out.
MAY -- Oh Chris, don't you wanna know?
CHRIS -- May, there are certain questions in life that should go unanswered
like....like where does meat come from? and ah, how do fish breath?...and
what's the square root of nine?
MAY -- It's three.
CHRIS -- You are not of this earth. 
MAY -- Oh Walletboy. 
(they kiss)

STREET (Walletboy dolls are being sold. Crowd adores Chris)

HOTEL ROOM

CHRIS -- Oh my..ah (laughs) Oh.  Dancing all night?  Oh. Meeting luminaries
right and left? The crowd chanting my name on every street corner?  I feel
like The Incredible Mr. Limpid.
Hey May? Tell me the truth. It's, it's me you love, isn't it? It's not
Walletboy. 
MAY -- Chris, I have to be honest. If you're looking for guarantees I have to
say, at this point, I really have no idea. 
CHRIS -- You've just made me the happiest man in the whole world. (phone
rings) I'll get it. Hello Walletboy. 
FRED -- Chris, it's Dad.  
CHRIS -- Just some more boobs pretending to be my parents.
FRED -- Ah Look Mr. Rich Little, pretending to by my dad isn't going to get
you Jack Spit okay.
FRED -- Well being your dad hasn't exactly been an embarrassment of riches,
either. 
CHRIS -- Dad it is you.  Hi!
FRED -- You left your wallet here, chowderhead.
CHRIS -- Are you kidding? Oh jeeze. Boy is that a load off.  (laughs) Okay
thanks Dad, bye. (laughs) Hey May! (laughs) You want a laugh? (laughs) I
didn't lose my wallet at all. (laughs) No, in fact I left it at home snug as
a bug in a rug. (laughs) Can you believe that? (laughs) Boy, I can't wait to
tell everybody. I can't wait to see the faces on this city. (opens window)
Citizens of this big city..let me...

MAY -- Have you gone screwy? ( May tackles him) 
CHRIS -- (various grunts and "ows")
MAY -- If word of this gets on the street they'll tear you apart like a
Thanksgiving Turkey. 
CHRIS -- Wull wait just a mangy-horse minute here. Are you talking about my
crowd?--- The Walletboyniacs? 
MAY -- Chris, they loved you because you were a victim, not an idiot!
CHRIS -- Wull gee ah, if they find out what's gonna happen to my free
lifetime hotel suite?
MAY -- Hello YMCA.
CHRIS -- Well dammit do something!
MAY -- Just keep your trap shut and nobody'll be the wiser.
Oh, all I need is another scam like the Ringling Brother's Unicorn.
CHRIS -- What was wrong with him? 

SWITCHBOARD MONTAGE

CALLER -- Winnie? Boy have I got the "T" on Walletboy. It turns out he's not
on the up and up. 

HEADLINES
"Tomorrow Dedicated Walletboy Day!"
"Big Tickertape Parade!"

PARADE

CHRIS -- Oh these poor stupid bastards. They still love me. If they only knew
the truth, they'd hang me up by my own intestines. 
GLADYS -- Chris! Chris!
FRED -- Gladys, instead of waving that big fat wallet around why don't we
just put sandwichboards on that say "Rob us, we're old."? 
GLADYS -- Chris, we have your wallet. We brought it for you from home. Chris!
ROOM SERVICE GUY -- Did you hear that? He didn't lose his wallet, he left it
at home. 
J.D. Windell -- He's no hero, he's a dumbass!
MAN -- He's taken us for chumps!
CHRIS -- Wait a second. Wait a second those people aren't my parents.Wait,
can't you see, there's no family resemblance at all. I'm fully clothed and
their wearing bathrobes.

CROWD -- GET HIM!!!! (etc.) (they throw bricks)

CHRIS -- Wait, wait wait.  Okay. Allright so maybe I didn't lose my wallet,
does that make me a bad person? Is it a crime to have inspired an entire city
to rally behind a young boy?!! I mean look at what's happened here? You were
all once cold-hearted, cynical, ice-blooded bastards. And now look at you.
I've transformed all of you into tender, god-fearing, puppy-loving
marshmellows floating on top of a golden cup of hot nutritious cocoa. Now
don't you all just feel the slightest bit silly? 

CROWD -- GET 'EM!!! (more bricks)

HEADLINES 
"Walletboy A Fraud"
"City Duped By Evil Moron"
"City To Walletboy: 'Drop Dead'! "


CHRIS -- Wait. I guess this whole town is against me, huh May? Except for
you. I can see it in your eyes.
MAY -- Do you see an angry mob headed this way? cause that's what I'm seeing.
CHRIS -- What about us?
MAY -- You know how I couldn't tell whether it was you I loved or the
phenomena Walletboy? 
CHRIS -- Yeah (laughs)
MAY -- We've asked the judges and we have a decision. Walletboy-- by a mile.
(she runs)

BIG CITY DOORs

CHRIS -- What these morons don't realize is that I still have the key to the
city.
MAYOR -- We changed the lock, idiot!
CHRIS -- Oh Jeeze. C'mon guys let me in huh? Please? C'mon. Okay fine, I'll
just wait out here until you change your minds. Huho  And I can wait, believe
me. Ho ho, I've got all the time in the world.

FLASH FORWARD
(Chris's skeleton)

HEADLINE
"City Finally Fogives Walletboy" 

(Chris's skeleton gets tickertape parade) 

THE END