GET A LIFE SCRIPT  --  GIRLFRIEND 2000


 30. 01/12/92  "GIRLFRIEND 2000"  (208)
 Writer: David Mirkin / Writer: David Mirkin 

 After being hit by her car, Chris becomes madly obsessed with a woman
 scientist named Tricia Paddington.  He decides to start stalking her
 until she goes out with him.  Meanwhile, another woman stalks Chris.

    Tricia ............ Emma Samms
    Evelyn ............ Amy Yasbeck
    Russell ........... Sandy Helberg
    Herbert ........... Nicholas Shaffer



CHRIS -- Aaah. Oh. What a perfect day. I'm so luck to live in such a nice
beautiful...safe neighborhood. (Chris gets hit by a car) Uh.
TRISHA -- Oh my god. Are you allright?
CHRIS -- Oh oh Ugh oof. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen,
with the possible exception of Charles Durning.
TRISHA -- I'm so sorry. I'm usually a very careful driver but I was on the
carphone with President Bush and I got distracted when Queen Elizabeth came
in on call waiting.
CHRIS -- Ah, ah I, I have no idea who those people are. But anyway it's not
your fault. I just thought it was one of those days when I was semi-solid and
cars could go right through me. I'm fine.
TRISHA -- I don't think so. Look at your legs.
CHRIS -- Oh (laughs) these (laughs) they're always like that. (laughs) Well
actually no, this one's usually wrapped around my neck. Here, I'll get it.
TRISHA -- I'm going to have to re-set your legs using an ancient Chinese
technique but don't worry, I'm a practicing surgeon.
CHRIS -- Wow, a doctor huh? (laughs) Jeeze, well maybe you can help me with
another little problem I'm having. What exactly does it mean when you wake up
every morning in a pool of your own vomit?
TRISHA -- Ah, this is going to be excruciatingly painful, more pain than
you've ever felt.
CHRIS -- Well you weren't around me when I heard they cancelled "Manimal." 
TRISHA -- And you're going to need to bite down on this.
CHRIS -- Oh great, thanks. Mm. You know this would go great with a little
Crepelagch.(?)
TRISHA -- There, that's the best I could do.
CHRIS -- Have you started yet? Cause I gotta tell ya I didn't feel a thing.
(laughs)  Huugh. Waaaagh! Oh ho ho woooh.
TRISHA -- Amazing, one of the slowest working brains I've ever seen.
CHRIS -- Thanks very much. Actually I just had it serviced. There's something
wrong with the fan belt. Aaaagh. 
TRISHA -- Is the pain back?
CHRIS -- No it's my bike, my dear, sweet, lovable, sniffable bike. 
TRISHA -- Well, I'm running a little but I'll see what I can do. 
CHRIS -- Wow. Jeeze, you're a doctor and you can fix bikes? (laughs) Boy, you
must be some kind of a jan janjeyneeoh a jeje jeenieah jenjeenieah jeeniahs. 
TRISHA -- Genius. Yes, I suppose so, according to those silly tests, anyway.
CHRIS -- Wow, I am too. I think. BeeeP.
TRISHA -- Good for you. Well, I have to go. Again, so sorry.
CHRIS -- Oh forget about it. It was really no problem. I get run over several
times a day. It's a great way to meet people. Hey wait um. (gets run over
again)
CHRIS -- I forgot to ask your name.
TRISHA -- Trisha. Trisha Paddington.
CHRIS -- Well I'm Chris. Chris aah......Chris something. 
TRISHA -- Lovely to meet you Chris. Now I really have to go.
CHRIS -- Sure, I understand. Well...goodbye.(laughs)
TRISHA -- Chris, you really should move or I'll run over you again.
CHRIS -- (laughs) You're right. (laughs) Oh jeeze. I am a silly ass, am I
not. (Chris gets run over by another car) I love you Trisha Paddington.
(Chris gets run over by several cars)

LABORATORY

HERBERT -- You're amazing Dr. Paddington, risking your life with dangerous
radioactive substances like that.
TRISHA -- Dangerous but necessary Herbert, if I'm going to find that cure for
sour stomach I'm after. Now......Oh my god. Man in chamber, man in chamber.
(Alarm goes off)
CHRIS -- Hey watch it. Jeeze, hey, hey get your dirty hands off me pal. He's
a little touchie feelie, if you know what I mean. Get some help, will ya?.
TRISHA -- Are you allright?
CHRIS -- Yeah no, I feel fine. I'm just a little tinglie all over that's all,
(laughs)  especially in my groin area. It kinda feels like it feels after you
take a shower with that minty soap. Wow, my sour stomach's gone.
TRISHA -- How did you get in there?
CHRIS -- Oh (laughs) Isn't that the greatest hiding place? (laughs) Luckily
for me my house key just happened to fit the lock. Hey can I keep this?
(Holds up a radioactive rod. Alarm goes off and Herbert grabs rod and throws
it down a shute) My but we're a selfish baby aren't we? Hey you know, you're
coo coo clocks are off by about seven minutes in here, but other than that
this place is great. (laughs) So ah, what exactly do you do ah, again are you
like a...nude mud wrestler something like that? 
TRISHA -- I told you I'm a doctor and a scientist.
CHRIS -- Oh yeah right honey, and I'm the Goodyear blimp.(laughs) Look, there
are letter running across my rear.
TRISHA - What are you doing here, Chris?
CHRIS -- Oh well I,I tracked you down all day because I, I wanted to...
ah...oh...wait it'll come to me.... uh. Oh yeah, I'm in love with you. I've
been in love with you since the moment I saw you. It was like I was run over.
TRISHA -- Chris, I did run you over. 
CHRIS -- You mean you felt it too?  Well, don't you see? It's fate then.
We're meant to be together, to spend our lives together, to..to have babies
together, if someone will just tell us how that's done. We'll live as one,
one heart, one mind, one ass. 
TRISHA -- Chris, I, I. Really I'm very, very flattered and you're very, very
sweet but I feel the best way to handle this is with total honesty and well,
I'm just not attracted to you. I'm sorry.
CHRIS -- Allright, I see how it is, huh?
Miss-run-him-over-save-his-life-and-leave-him, huh? Miss
working-with-radioactive-isotopes and-then-he-surprises-her. Miss
says-she-doesn't-love-him-even-though-he-says-he-loves-her. Yeah okay. Oh,
Miss looks-at-him-like-he's-nuts, heh. Miss averts-her-eyes-and-walks-away,
fine. Miss ah..
TRISHA -- Stop!
CHRIS -- Miss interrupts-him-in-the-middle-of-a-sentance.
TRISHA -- Chris!
CHRIS -- Allright, fine, I don't need you baby no, I don't need you at all.
There are plenty of fish out there in the sea of wrecklessly drivering cars.
No, don't feel sorry for me, because I feel sorry for you, because I've
already forgotten your name.

GARAGE 

CHRIS -- TRISHAAAAGH. Oh ho. TRISHAAAAGH  TRISHAA TRISHAA ha ha ha. TRI-SHA!
GUS -- (runs a Geiger counter over Chris)  Jeeze, I was wondering why this
thing was going crazy. Thank god it doesn't need servicing. What the hell
happened to you?
CHRIS -- Oh Gus, I just met the woman of my dreams, the kind of dreams that
can make a mess, if you know what I'm talking about. But anyway, she's
gorgeous and she's a genius but for some reason she doesn't want to have
anything to do with me. (laughs) And I can't get her outta my head.
Everywhere I look I see her face. 
GUS -- Well, ya got pictures of her plastered everywhere.
CHRIS -- Oh? Oh, so I do. (laughs) Oh, thank goodness. For a second ther I
thought I was going out of my Liva Snap mind.
GUS -- Listen kid, I've been through this unreachable broad crap myself.
Sally Friedman; gorgeous, platinum blonde, had a backside that when on
forever. I told her I was crazy about her but she wasn't interested. I tried
everything, flowers, presents, singing outside her window.
CHRIS -- What happened?
GUS -- Her husband and two teenage sons beat the snot outta me and made me
drink dog urine. 
CHRIS -- I think I know what you're trying to tell be Gus. It's time for me
to....take a deep breath and move on. Okay, thanks. Listen, will you help me
eat these?
GUS -- Are you nuts kid? I'm not telling you to forget her. I gave up on that
major babe and look where it got me? Seventeen beers a night and a nudie
magazine bill that could pay for a shiny new trailer home.
CHRIS -- I don't understand, are you telling me I should call her?
GUS -- Any loser can do that. You gotta show her that you're different. Don't
just call her, call her every fifteen minutes. Write her endless rambling
deranged letters in your own blood. Dog her every step. Show her that you
care with the passion of a psychotic maniac. 
CHRIS -- Yes. And you think she'll like this?
GUS --  As a cop, I've seen this senario a hundred times.
CHRIS -- And it worked?
GUS -- Never. It usually wound up with someone getting shot. But therefore,
follow the beauty of the logic of this, the odds must be due to change. 
CHRIS -- Oh Gus. Gus, if you we'ren't a man I could give you a big wet kiss,
right on the lips, right now. (laughs) And I'm not ruling that out for later.
Let's get stalking. Ooum!

STALKING MONTAGE (to the tune of "You're My Obsession" by Anamotion)

TRISHA'S FRONTWALK

CHRIS -- Crazyglue. My hand. Your shoe. With this glue, I the wed. Lehighum!
Don't you see Trisha, before I let you go, I'll see us both rot and burn in
hell and then rot some more until we're both the mulch that makes up the
fertilizer in the Devil's garden. I love you Trisha, forever and ever and
ever. (Trisha steps out of shoe)

DRUGSTORE

CHRIS -- Excuse me sir, I'd like to purchase some footpads please. I've been
dogging a lovely woman's every step for the last couple of days and my feet
are just one big pussie blister. 
EVELYN -- You are the most gorgeous, perfect, sexy man I've ever seen, with
the possible exception of Charles Durning. 
CHRIS -- Thank you very much. (laughs) Oh, you know, I also need some
deodorant.(laughs) All this running around has really made me stink up a
storm. (laughs) (sniff) Wheeeew, run for your lives. (laughs)
EVELYN -- I must know your name. 
CHRIS -- Chris....Chris..uh....Chris something. (laughs) Oh hey, throw in
some of those condoms would ya?  You know in case this harassing thing pays
off. 
EVELYN -- I love you.
CHRIS -- Thank you very much. You have a very kind and courteous manner about
you miss. And people say the world has become cold and impersonal. Well I
say, pooh on them.

TRISHA'S FRONT YARD

TRISHA -- Go away Chris
CHRIS -- I will not. (Trisha drops a boulder on Chris's head) Oagh. Hey,
what's that rustling in the bushes over there? uh. Maybe it's one of those
cute little Keebler elves with a cookie for me. Elf, elf? Come on......elf?
Hey, you're not an elf. Oh but I just pray you still have a cookie for me. 
EVELYN -- It's me, Evelyn from the store. CHRIS -- Eh, allright, allright
look, I stole it because I was too embarassed to ask for it allright? But
yes, certain men have uses for bras too okay, jeeze. According to the AMA if
you're gonna be jogging you need a little support allright but sue me. Here,
you can have it back, I only wore it once.
EVELYN -- No Chris it's not that. Ya see, I love you Chris. I've loved you
from the first moment I saw you, and I'm gonna do whatever it takes to make
you mine.
CHRIS -- That is the sickest most perverted thing I have ever heard in my
entire life. Now please, leave me alone, I'm trying to stalk somebody here.
EVELYN --  No Chris, I'll never leave you alone until you realize that you
love me too.
CHRIS -- Well fine, then I'll just move over here.... unnh...then I'll move
over here...ungh. You manage to follow me everywhere. What are you, somekind
of evil superhero? Come on..come on..ungh....don't
..oiegh...ungh...ungh..ugh. 

EVELYN STALKING MONTAGE

TRISHA'S APARTMENT

TRISHA -- Chris. Get out, get out, get out.
CHRIS -- Uh, well wait a second. Do you mean to tell me that you're not in
love with me yet? Look lady, if you don't start warming up to me within the
next two years I might just start to lose interest here, and one day you will
look under that dear sweet rump of yours and I just may not be there.
TRISHA -- Chris, I'm never going to warm up, even if you follow me around for
the rest of both our stinking lives.
CHRIS -- Jeeze you know, for the first time, what you're saying to me I think
has finally gotten through to me. I understand now, I really do. 
TRISHA -- Really?
CHRIS -- Yes, you don't love me.
TRISHA -- Right.
CHRIS -- And you'll never love me.
TRISHA -- Exactly.
CHRIS -- Until we dance together. Yeah no, just a sweet Cha cha cha to break
the ice, come on. Mm mm mm mm mm.
TRISHA -- No.
CHRIS -- Oh come on, come on, let the music do it's job here, uh. Hmm, that's
odd. One of you're speakers must be out. Oh well don't worry, I can fix
anything with my magic saliva. (laughs) Dee dee dee dee dee. Aaagh. It's her.

TRISHA -- Who?
CHRIS -- It's the wacko that's been following me every day and night and not
letting me rest or sleep or...follow you. 
EVELYN -- Right Chris, and I'll never give up.
CHRIS -- Hey wait a second, I'm starting to see a parallel here.
TRISHA -- Really Chris, now what would that be?
CHRIS -- Well, you've both fond of mauve blouses and sensible heels. No wait,
there's something more. The way she's been following and harassing me that's
not unlike the way I've been following you, and it didn't feel good to me to
have her following me....that way, so maybe it's not makin' you feel so good
and maybe instead of making ya happy I've been torturing you.
TRISHA -- Yes Chris, you have. 
CHRIS -- Oh, oh how terribly insensitive of me. Oh Trisha I, I feel so bad
about this that...well...maybe I'll stop.
TRISHA -- Maybe?
CHRIS -- No no, you're right, only losers don't finish what they start.
EVELYN -- Right, and I'll never stop either. And how's this for an unexpected
twist, if I can't have you (pulls out a knife) no one can. 
CHRIS --  Well Evelyn, you can't buy my love by showering me with trinkets
and shiny knives.
TRISHA -- No Chris, she's going to kill you.
CHRIS -- Oh........oh eeeeche.
EVELYN -- Maybe you'll love me in another life. (Russell crashes through the
ceiling)
RUSSELL -- Evelyn, Evelyn don't, don't please, please don't do it. 
EVELYN -- Russell.
RUSSEL -- Evelyn, from the moment I met you I couldn't get you out of my
mind, so for the last month I've been watching your every move, following you
following him following her.
CHRIS -- Wow, a talking dog. Hi pooch. 
TRISHA -- No Chris, that's a man.
CHRIS -- Oh, oh, (laughs) yeah you're right. (laughs)  Boy, you are a genius,
aren't you. 
EVELYN -- Russell, I never even knew you cared about me. 
RUSSELL -- I was too shy to come forward, so I just hid away quietly watching
you, mainly through heating vents. But since you're going on this killing
spree I thought this might be a good time for me to come forward. 
EVELYN -- I was never the least bit interested in you but...you sure know the
proper way to show a guy you love her, so what the hell, let's get married.
If it doesn't work out I can always track him down again.
RUSSEL -- Great.
CHRIS -- Well, from this moment on Trisha, I shall torment you no longer. I
shall walk out this door and you will no longer see, hear, or smell of me
again. 
TRISHA -- Wait.
CHRIS -- Yes...I have put on a little weight honey, but you're no beanpole
either. 
TRISHA -- No I mean stop. 
CHRIS -- Don't you want me out of your life forever? 
TRISHA - Can't a girl play hard to get?
CHRIS -- You mean you're madly in love with me the way I'm madly in love with
you?
TRISHA -- Get real Chris. Yet I have a certain interest...maybe...just want
to do a paper on you or at least some electro-shock experiments. 
CHRIS -- Oh, electro-shock uoho boy, this is like a dream come true, first I
get an incredibly gorgeous genius girlfriend and then I get to become an
experimental Guinea Pig. (to the audience) No offense to our Italian friends
there.
EVELYN -- I was just talking to Russell and we've decided that I should
finish what I started and stab you. (she does)
CHRIS -- Oh, aagh, jeeze, ugh, oooowow. Oh well huh, good thing you're a
surgeon and a doctor, huh?. 
TRISHA -- Unfortunately Chris, stab wounds are the one injury I don't know a
damn thing about. (Chris falls to the floor)
CHRIS -- Okay.
TRISHA -- Gee, I have the worst luck with men.

THE END